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<div class="the-end" style="text-align: center; display: flex; justify-content: center; align-items: center; width: 100%;"> \ <div style="display: inline-block; width: 100%; max-width: 300px;"> \ <h1 style="margin-bottom: 0px; color: #F1C40F;"><span class="icon-exclamation-triangle"></span></h1><h2 style="margin-top: 0px;">WARNING</h2>Brief moments of this game contain rapidly flashing lights and colors that may affect some players. </div> </div> \ [[Begin.|Ok.]] <<set $deaths to 0>> \ <<set $awards to 0>> \
You are born. You are Baby Colby. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/birth.png"> [[Explore.]] [[Vomit.]]
My mom is Colby. But she has no arms. [[Give her arms.]] [[No.]] <<if $awardMomiscolby === undefined>> \ <<set $awardMomiscolby = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ So I guess my mom is Colby </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
You puked all over your new clothes. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/babyvomit.png"> Grandma's going to be angry. [[Hide.]] [[Eat vomit.]]
You want to explore your Baby Colby house. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/babycolbyhouse.png"> <<if $colbytologyclock is 1>> \ <em>Orphan Pigeon left a note on stationary from the School of Memes...</em> <</if>> \ <<if $colbytologyclock is 2>> \ <em>Orphan Pigeon was reading about time travel...</em> <</if>> \ <<if $colbytologyclock is 3>> \ <em>Orphan Pigeon is using time travel to return to where it all started...</em> <</if>> \ [[Garden.]] [[Knives.]] <<if $orphanpidgeon is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyclock > 0>> \ <!--- DO Nothing ---> \ <<else>> \ [[Orphan Pigeon.|Orphan Pigeon Story 2]] <</if>> \ <<else>> \ [[Orphan Pigeon.|Orphan Pigeon Story]] <</if>> \ <</if>> \ <<if $colbytologyclock is 4>> \ [[Plane tickets.]] <</if>> \ <<if $colbytologyclock is 5>> \ [[Orphan Pigeon.|Orphan Pigeon Story End]] <</if>> \ <<if $goldentimeline is "true">> \ <span class="golden">[[Crib.]]</span> <</if>> \
Something is dabbing in the garden. What is it? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/dab.png"> [[Gnome.]] [[Chupacabra.]]
What will you do with them? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/babycolbyknives.png"> [[Cook.]] [[Kill.]]
Wrong. It is a chupacabra. [[Ok.|Garden 2]] [[No.|I am right]]
Wrong. It is a gnome. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/gnomehand.png"> It wants to shake your hand. [[Lick.]] [[Eat.]]
What does it taste like? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/gnomehandlicked.png"> [[Cherries.]] [[Fufu.]]
<div class="fx hurt"> \ You eat. Hand was a trap! You are now a goat. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/goat.png"> Gnome loves goat. [[Help.]] [[Die now.]] </div> \
Something is dabbing in the garden. What is it? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/dab.png"> [[Chupacabra.]] [[I changed my mind. I was right. It's a gnome.]]
Yes. It <em>is</em> a chupacabra. [[Ok.|Comply]] [[No.|Revolt]]
Then prove it. [[2+2=6.]] [[Greedo shot first.]]
Oops. You were right. It <em>is</em> a gnome. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/gnomehand.png"> It wants to shake your hand. [[Lick.]] [[Eat.]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent"><strong><em>NO!!</em></strong> IT IS A CHUPACABRA!!!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/deadbabycolby.png"> <strong>You die as Ignorant Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
You are born (<em>again</em>). You are Baby Colby. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/birth.png"> [[Explore.]] [[Vomit.]]
Don't be smart. It's not becoming of you. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/deadbabycolby.png"> <strong>You die as Annoying Baby Colby.</strong> (Shame, considering how close you were to unlocking the Smelly Halloween timeline...) [[Play again?]]
Actually, in the original 1977 theatrical release, Han shot first. George Lucas wanted you to forget that because since the film's original release, Lucas has come to regret making one of the film's heroes a cold-blooded killer. And I see now that you are too simple-minded. You fell for Lucas's propaganda. How stupid of you. And to think, you almost reached the Smelly Halloween timeline... <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/deadbabycolby.png"> <strong>You die as Ignorant Star Wars Nerd Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Cherries reminds you of medicine. You hate medicine. You die. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/deadbabycolby.png"> <strong>You die as Hand Licking Baby Colby.</strong> (Shame, considering how close you were to unlocking the Smelly Halloween timeline...) [[Play again?]]
Yum fufu. Gnome offers you tickets to Africa. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/africa.png"> [[Yes.|Africa]] [[No.|Angry gnome]]
You get to airport. Security guard. Wait. You're too young to travel to Africa. You're still a baby. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/deadbabycolbyafrica.png"> <strong>You die as International Bandit Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ Gnome is angry! He rubs ring on his finger. <span class="shake urgent">OH NO! IT IS THE ONE RING!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/onering.png"> [[Precious.]] [[Flee.]] </div> \
You try to steal ring. He is too powerful!! You die in struggle. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/deadbabycolby.png"> <strong>You die as Sméagol Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ You run, but he is coming for you! [[Shank.]] [[Trip.]] </div> \
Pigeons come to help you. Oh, nvm. They use you as a pigeon landing and start building nests inside of you. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeonkillscolby.png" class="shake"> You die. <strong>You die as Pigeon Landing Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
No. You are chosen. You cannot die yet. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/goat.png"> [[Eat clothes.]] [[Attack humans.]]
<<script>>$("body").addClass( "fakedead" )<</script>> \ Clothes give you stomach ache. <strong>You die as Stomach Ache Goat Baby Colby.</strong> <<linkreplace "...">><<if $colbytology is "true">> \ <em>But</em>... you are chosen. <strong>You are the founder of Colbytology.</strong> You live. <<else>> \ <em>But</em>... you are chosen so you live. <</if>> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/goatchosen.png"> [[Attack humans.]] [[Chosen powers.]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "fakedead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>>
You attack humans! The Goat-Cops come and stop you. You are dead. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/goat.png" class="upsidedown"> <strong>You die as Rampaging Goat Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You use chosen powers. Time control. [[Easter.]] [[Halloween.]]
Wrong choice. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/goat.png" class="upsidedown"> <strong>You die as Chosen Powers Goat Baby Colby</strong> [[Play again?]]
Ten years pass. You change back to human. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/10.png"> You are now 10 years old. WELCOME TO HALLOWEEN. [[Trick-or-Treat.]] [[Beautiful Girl.]] <<if $awardHalloween === undefined>> \ <<set $awardHalloween = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ It's the Smelly Halloween, Charlie Brown \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
You need a costume. [[Elvis.]] [[Edward R. Murrow.]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent">Trap!</span> It is ugly man in mask! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/uglyman.png"> [[Bite.]] [[Struggle.]] </div> \
You grow to 20 years in one night. You are so sexy now. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/elvis.png"> [[Beautiful Girl.]] [[Dancing.]]
You look like a journalist. People are scared of journalists. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/murrow.png"> [[Candy.]] [[Interview trick-or-treaters.]]
You go dancing. <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">><em>Many fellow dancers' costumes are paying tribute to $worship!</em> <</if>><strong>Which dance do you do?</strong> [[The butterfly.]] [[The cocoon.]]
Everyone so scared of you now. They give you all the candies. [[Chocolates.]] [[Bubble gum.]]
Who will you interview? [[President of United States.]] [[Nosferatu.]]
Which do you eat first? [[Reese's.]] [[Snickers.]]
10 years old and you're chewing gum. So cool. [[Blow bubble.]] [[Spit out gum.]]
It's so good. OMG. Yum. You love Reese's so much. It's your fav- OH NO!! It's a trap! You're allergic to peanut butter!! <strong>You die as Reese's Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You love snickers. Ouch. Teeth hurt now. [[Dentist.]] [[Floss.]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ You go to dentist. <span class="urgent">DENTIST IS SWEENEY TODD!!</span> He slits your throat. <strong>You die as Dentist Murdered Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div>
You floss for first time in your life. Gums start bleeding. They never stop. <strong>You die as Flossing Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx slideup"> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/gum.png" class="sway"> You blow bubble. It's so big. You fly away and see witches flying on broomsticks.<<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">> <em>They're singing praises to $worship!</em><</if>> [[Say hi.]] [[Quidditch.]] </div> \
Cops see you. <span class="urgent">YOU ARE LITTERING!!!</span> What do you do? [[Turn yourself in.]] [[Gotta go fast.]]
You open mouth to speak. You lose gum and bubble floats away without you. You fall and die. <strong>You die as Bubblegum Fallen Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
They are excited to play. Oh no!! They mistake your bubble for the quaffle! It explodes on touch! You fall to your death. <strong>You die as False-Quaffle Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You turn yourself in. <<linkreplace "...">><span class="urgent">Welcome to Juvenile Detention.</span> They stick you in a cell. Your cellmate is a dirty diaper. You ask them to get rid of the diaper, but they don't. <<linkreplace "...">><em>Do you not like me?</em> it asks you. You stare at it, unsure. <em>What are you staring at?</em> it says. "I think I'm going crazy," you finally say after several minutes pass. <<linkreplace "...">><em>No, you're not going crazy. You're just starting to discover yourself.</em> "What do you mean?" you ask. <em>Look in the mirror</em>, it tells you, an edge of joy in its voice. <<linkreplace "...">>You walk to the mirror and look at your reflection. <<linkreplace "...">>You are the dirty diaper. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/diaper.png"> <strong>You die as Dirty Diaper Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<if $awardDiaper === undefined>> \ <<set $awardDiaper = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ You Are the Diaper </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
You are not Sonic the Hedgehog you try to run but you trip and die. <strong>You die as Tripping Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You start interview. What do you say? [["Mr. President, what is your stance on politics?"]] [["Mr. President, I'm on to you."]]
You try to interview Nosferatu. He drinks your blood. <strong>You die as Vampire Meal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"Hot dogs!" he responds. [[You love hot dogs.]] [[You hate hot dogs.]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ He laughs and pulls off mask. <span class="urgent">YOU WERE RIGHT! <em>HE IS JEFF BEZOS!!</em></span> [[Gotta go fast.]] [[Call the UN.]] </div> \
You eat hot dogs with Barack Obama. You choke on hot dog. <strong>You die as Choking Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
But he loves hot dogs. You are walking on thin ice. What will you do? [[Confess your distaste for hot dogs.]] [[Pretend to love hot dogs|You love hot dogs.]]
You confess. He doesn't like that. Secret Service takes you away. <<linkreplace "...">><span class="urgent">Welcome to Juvenile Detention.</span> They stick you in a cell. Your cellmate is a dirty diaper. You ask them to get rid of the diaper, but they don't. <<linkreplace "...">><em>Do you not like me?</em> it asks you. You stare at it, unsure. <em>What are you staring at?</em> it says. "I think I'm going crazy," you finally say after several minutes pass. <<linkreplace "...">><em>No, you're not going crazy. You're just starting to discover yourself.</em> "What do you mean?" you ask. <em>Look in the mirror</em>, it tells you, an edge of joy in its voice. <<linkreplace "...">>You walk to the mirror and look at your reflection. <<linkreplace "...">>You are the dirty diaper. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/diaper.png"> <strong>You die as Dirty Diaper Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<if $awardDiaper === undefined>> \ <<set $awardDiaper = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ You Are the Diaper </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
You call them. <<if $colbytologyLv2>><strong>They're busy holding meetings about the rising threat of Colbytology!</strong> They put you on hold.<<else>>They put you on hold.<</if>> <strong>You die as Waiting Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Your parents danced like that. You are so unhip. <strong>You die as Unhip Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Your moves are so good. You are so popular now. [[Beautiful Girl.]] [[Magic tricks.]]
You want to do magic tricks to increase your street cred. You have a reputation to maintain now. Which trick do you do? [[Disappear.]] [[Rabbit in hat.]]
You disappear! How did you do that? The answer is dark magic. It overcomes you, consumes your mind and then your body. You become a twinky. You die. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/twinkydeath.png"> <strong>You die as Dark Magic Twinky Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent">RABBIT HAS RABIES!</span> It bites you and you die. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/rabbitdeath.png"> <strong>You die as Rabbit Rabies Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
What are you cooking? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/babycolbycooks.png"> [[Butterflies.]] [[Fireflies.]] [[Monkeyflies.]]
Pigeon is outside. Pigeon gives you stink eye. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeon.png"> [[Slash.]] [[Mock.]]
<<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ Butterflies struggle to get free. <em>They pray to $worship for deliverance!</em> <<else>> \ Butterflies struggle to get free. <</if>> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/cookbutterfly.png" class="shake"> You almost cut off your finger. [[Stew.]] [[Salad.]]
Fireflies calmly accept their fate. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/cookfireflies.png"> You're pretty good at this. [[Salad.]] [[Stew.]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ MONKEYFLIES FIGHT BACK! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/monkeyflies.png" class="shake"> You slice your fingers off in the struggle. [[Bandaid.]] [[Cry.]] </div> \
So good. Lick lips. Yum. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/stew.png"> You grow five days. [[Television.]] [[Playground.]]
Salad yum. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/salad.png"> You grow ten years. [[School.]] [[Bank.]]
You use DOLLAR STORE BANDAIDS!! They are cheap quality. You die. <strong>You die as Dollar Store Bandaid Baby Chef Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Too late. You die. <strong>You die as Crying Baby Chef Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Elementary school is so ugly. <<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv2>> \ <em>Most of the kids are wearing $worship memorabilia!!</em> Colbytology is the cool hip thing everyone talks about at recess. <<else>> \ Some of the kids are wearing $worship memorabilia. <</if>> \ <</if>> \ [[Pretty girl.]] [[Make friends.]] <<if $awardSchool === undefined>> \ <<set $awardSchool = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Go to School, Young Man </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
<<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">><strong>Welcome to the Bank of Colbytology!</strong> <</if>> \ It smells nice here. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/bank.png"> [[Open bank account.]] [[Rob the place.]] <<if $hacker is "true">> \ [[System password.]] <<else>> \ <</if>> \
Evening news. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/eveningnews.png"> <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">> \ <span class="urgent">"Colbytology! It's hip! It's here! It's all the rage! Stocks for $worship are going to the moon!!"</span> newscasters say. <<else>> \ <span class="urgent">"Colbytology: Dangerous cult or hip new lifestyle?!"</span> newscasters ask. <</if>> \ <<else>> \ <</if>> \ [[So good.]] [[So hate.]]
Sand in shoe. Ugh. You die. <strong>You die as Playground Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ You watch. Suddenly your house is on TV! <span class="urgent">"North Korea has fired a missle!"</span> they say. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/housemissle.png"> You run but too late. You are dead. <strong>You die as Missled Baby Colby</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
<div class="fx sway"> \ You turn it off. You don't hear that twister is coming. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/twister.png" class="fastsway"> <span class="urgent">Boom!</span> It comes and you die. <strong>You die as Twister Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
Robbers come and steal and kill. You die from a heart attack! <strong>You die as Heart Attacked Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
What do you demand? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/angrykidcolby.png"> [[Put money in bag.]] [[Give me diamonds.]]
They are too slow on purpose. Stalling. The police come and you die. <strong>You die as Bank Robber Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
There are no diamonds. It was a distraction. Police come and you die. <strong>You die as No Diamonds Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Ugly man turns into werwolf. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/werewolf.png"> [[Kill him.]] [[Feed chicken.]]
Colby is confused. He hurt himself in his confusion. You die. <strong>You die as Struggling Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
He eats you and becomes ruler of world. <strong>You die as Werewolf Meal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
He is now loyal to you. [[Candy.]] [[Money.]]
Child with wads of cash walks by. Werewolf attacks. [[Feel bad.]] [[Crazy laugh.]]
You feel bad but kid runs away. You get the moneys. [[Charity.]] [[Xbox One X.]]
Cop hears you laughing! What do you do? [[Confess|Charity confess]] [[Gotta go fast.]]
You give money to charity. Charity asks where it came from. [[Truth.|Charity confess]] [[Lie.|Halloween lie]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ It's a trap! It wasn't an Xbox, <span class="urgent">it was a Nintendo Wii U</span>!!1!!!! It explodes. <strong>You die as Nintendoed Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
They are so touched. They make you President of Halloween. [[Candy.]] [[Cancel Halloween.]]
You confess. <<linkreplace "...">><span class="urgent">Welcome to Juvenile Detention.</span> They stick you in a cell. Your cellmate is a dirty diaper. You ask them to get rid of the diaper, but they don't. <<linkreplace "...">><em>Do you not like me?</em> it asks you. You stare at it, unsure. <em>What are you staring at?</em> it says. "I think I'm going crazy," you finally say after several minutes pass. <<linkreplace "...">><em>No, you're not going crazy. You're just starting to discover yourself.</em> "What do you mean?" you ask. <em>Look in the mirror</em>, it tells you, an edge of joy in its voice. <<linkreplace "...">>You walk to the mirror and look at your reflection. <<linkreplace "...">>You are the dirty diaper. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/diaper.png"> <strong>You die as Dirty Diaper Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<if $awardDiaper === undefined>> \ <<set $awardDiaper = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ You Are the Diaper </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<div class="fx loud"> \ Dark angels appear from the sky. "You cannot end Halloween," they say. They zap you and you become candycorn and you are dead. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/candycorndeath.png"> <strong>You die as Candycorned Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
She might like you too. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/prettygirl.png"> [[Flirt.]] [[Smile.]]
You use water and dirt to make mud friends. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mudfriends.png"> [[Talk to them.]] [[Eat them.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/prettygirlscared.png"> She watches you apprehensively. Which pickup line do you use? [[Trash.]] [[Fruit.]]
You have no teeth! She barfs in your mouth. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/vomitdeath.png" class="shake"> You die from lead poisoning. <strong>You die as Lead Poisoned Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
The nurse hears you and you go to the school psychiatrist. "I wanted to be a nun," she says. "But only after being an explorer." [[Why a nun?]] [[What would you explore?]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent">WORMS INSIDE!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/wormdeath.png" class="shake"> [[Nurse.]] [[Chew.|Chew worms]] </div> \
Pigeon is dead. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeondead.png"> [[Hat.]] [[Cook.|Cook pigeon]]
Pigeon is angry. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeonkillscolby.png" class="shake"> Pidgeon kills you. Remember, you are weak. <strong>You die as Pigeon Murdered Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You make a hat out of the pigeon. <<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">>It's a hat fit for a Colbytologist! <</if>>You are so cool. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/colypidgeonhat.png"> You grow three years. [[Pigeon nest.]] [[Mommy.]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent">PIGEON TRICKED YOU!!! IT'S ACTUALLY ALIVE!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeon.png" class="shake"> You struggle to kill him and you are too slow. <strong>You die as Pigeon Fooled Baby Colby</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
Pigeons see you and your hat. You are now supreme pigeon ruler. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/colbypidgeonleader.png"> [[Attack.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ [[Cuddle.|Cuddle 2]] <<else>> \ [[Cuddle.]] <</if>> \
Mommy is scared of hat. Mommy sends you to the Crazy House! <<if $colbytologyLv2>> \ The people here love talking about Colbytology! <</if>> \ <strong>What will you do here?</strong> [[Talk to self.]] [[Talk to crazies.]]
Neighbor doesn't have a chan-<span class="urgent">OH NO NEIGHBOR HAS A CAT!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/cat.png" class="shake"> <<if $catniss is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyclock is 3>> \ [[Kill cat.|Orphan Pigeon Story 6]] <<else>> \ [[Kill cat.|Catniss]] <</if>> \ <<else>> \ [[Kill cat.]] <</if>> \ [[Retreat.]]
You love pigeons. Pigeons love you. They lay eggs inside of you. This is not natural. You die. <strong>You die as Pregnant Pigeon Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Cat is too fast! <strong>It kills you and pigeons <em>in a flash</em>.</strong> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catkillspidgeons.png"> Remember, you are weak. <strong>You die as Cat Murdered Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You give up. Pigeons realize that you're a phony. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeonkillscolby.png" class="shake"> They kill you. <strong>You die as Phony Pigeon Overload Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Thank you. My Mom Colby now has robot arms. What will she do? [[Bake cookies.]] [[Run for President of the United States.]]
My Mom Colby is sad. [[Vacation.]] [[Alabama.]]
Burnt cookies. She dies. <strong>She dies as Burning Cookies Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">> \ They only want to elect a Colbytologist, but she hates $worship! <<else>> \ She has no public speaking skills. <</if>> \ She dies. <strong>She dies as #NotMyPresident Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
My Mom Colby goes to Peru. [[Alpacas.]] [[Restaurant.]]
[[Walk there.]] [[Get on plane.]]
My Mom Colby loves the alpacas. The fur is so luscious. [[Pet it.]] [[Lick it.]]
They serve guinea pig. [[Yum.]] [[No thank you.]]
So luscious... [[Eat fur.]] [[Take fur.]]
Mom Colby licks the alpaca. Mom Colby dies. <strong>She dies as Alpaca Licking Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Disgusting! Heart attack. She dies. <strong>She dies as Heart Attack Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Mom Colby uses scissors. <em>cut cut cut</em> [[Run.]] [[Smell.]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent">Alpaca is angry!</span> Alpaca tramples Mom Colby. Mom Colby dies. <strong>She dies as Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
<div class="fx loud"> \ <em>Smells so good... but...</em> <span class="urgent">Alpaca is angry!</span> Alpaca tramples Mom Colby. Mom Colby dies. <strong>She dies as Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
It was not cooked according to New York City Health Inspection standards. Mom Colby chokes on food and dies. <strong>She dies as Guinea Pig Eating Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ <span class="urgent">The guinea pig was not all the way dead!</span> It jumps in Mom Colby's mouth. [[Spit it out.]] [[Chew.|Yum.]] </div> \
<div class="fx loud"> \ It tears at My Mom Colby's esophagus! My Mom Colby dies. <strong>She dies as Guinea Pig Murdered Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
Clowns come and take it all. Mom Colby dies. <strong>She dies as Mom Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Oh no, bad ticket. It took my Mom Colby to the wrong place. [[Where is she?|Vacation.]]
<div id="homecontent"> \ <div style="display:inline-block; width: 80%;"> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/gametitle.svg" style="width: 100%; height: auto; max-width: none;"> <<if Save.autosave.has()>> <<link "Play.">><<run Save.autosave.load()>><<goto Play.>><</link>> <<else>> [[Play.]] <</if>> \ </div> </div> \ <<include "iosinstall">> \ \ <style> #passages { max-width: none; } #homecontent { width: 100%; display: flex; justify-content: center; align-items: flex-end; } #story { margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; width: 100%; height: 100vh; background-image: url('https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/splash_mobile.png') !important; background-size: cover !important; background-repeat: no-repeat !important; background-position: bottom center !important; } #story { margin: 0; } body { background-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' width='100' height='18' viewBox='0 0 100 18'%3E%3Cpath fill='%23ffffff' fill-opacity='0.15' d='M61.82 18c3.47-1.45 6.86-3.78 11.3-7.34C78 6.76 80.34 5.1 83.87 3.42 88.56 1.16 93.75 0 100 0v6.16C98.76 6.05 97.43 6 96 6c-9.59 0-14.23 2.23-23.13 9.34-1.28 1.03-2.39 1.9-3.4 2.66h-7.65zm-23.64 0H22.52c-1-.76-2.1-1.63-3.4-2.66C11.57 9.3 7.08 6.78 0 6.16V0c6.25 0 11.44 1.16 16.14 3.42 3.53 1.7 5.87 3.35 10.73 7.24 4.45 3.56 7.84 5.9 11.31 7.34zM61.82 0h7.66a39.57 39.57 0 0 1-7.34 4.58C57.44 6.84 52.25 8 46 8S34.56 6.84 29.86 4.58A39.57 39.57 0 0 1 22.52 0h15.66C41.65 1.44 45.21 2 50 2c4.8 0 8.35-.56 11.82-2z'%3E%3C/path%3E%3C/svg%3E"); } /* XS */ @media (min-width: 576px) { #story { background-image: url('https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/splash_desktop.png') !important; background-position: bottom right !important; } } /* SMALL */ @media (min-width: 768px) { #story { background-position: bottom right -100px !important; } } /* MEDIUM */ @media (min-width: 992px) { #story { background-position: center right !important; } #homecontent { width: 50%; height: calc(100vh - 200px); display: flex; justify-content: center; align-items: flex-end; } } /* LARGE */ @media (min-width: 1200px) { background-position: center center !important; } /* XL */ @media (min-width: 1400px) { } /* XXL */ @media (max-width: 950px) { } </style> \
<div class="fx sway"> \ You slither away but Grandma catches you! She sticks you in washing machine. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/washingbaby.png" class="spin"> [[Tide pods.]] <<if $ring is "true">>[[Magic spell.|Magic spell 2]] <<else>>[[Magic spell.]] <</if>> </div> \
You choke and die. <strong>You die as Vomit Eating Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You mutter a magic spell beneath your breath. You hear a voice speaking in Elvish. <span class="urgent">"ONLY A POWERFUL MAGIC BEING CAN ENTER THIS PORTAL!"</span> You die. [[Play again?]]
You idiot. <strong>You die as Tide Pod Challenger Baby Colby</strong> [[Play again?]]
You pull out knife to kill him. Wait. You don't have a knife. He uses the One Ring to destroy you. He is a magical being. <strong>You die as Gnome Murdered Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ You trip gnome. Ring flies from gnome's hand. [[Grab.]] [[Grab.|Grab2]] [[Grab.|Grab3]] [[Grab.|Grab4]] [[Grab.|Grab5]] </div> \
You try to grab the ring. You're too clumsy! Gnome grabs ring and destroys you. <strong>You die as Failure Baby Colby.</strong> Too bad. You almost got the key to Middle Earth... [[Play again?]]
YOU CATCH THE ONE RING!! Gnome is dead. You've killed a powerful magic being. [[Ice cream.]] [[Playground.]] <<set $ring = "true">> \
You try to grab the ring. You're too clumsy! Gnome grabs ring and destroys you. <strong>You die as Failure Baby Colby.</strong> Too bad. You almost got the key to Middle Earth... [[Play again?]]
You try to grab the ring. You're too clumsy! Gnome grabs ring and destroys you. <strong>You die as Failure Baby Colby.</strong> Too bad. You almost got the key to Middle Earth... [[Play again?]]
You try to grab the ring. You're too clumsy! Gnome grabs ring and destroys you. <strong>You die as Failure Baby Colby.</strong> Too bad. You almost got the key to Middle Earth... [[Play again?]]
Which flavor do you get? [[Raisin.]] [[Spinach.]]
You choke on raisins and die. <strong>You die as Raisin Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
It tastes so bad. Eew. You die. <strong>You die as Spinach Ice Cream Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Wait. What's this? You acquired the One Ring in a past life. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/onering.png"> <strong>YOU GO THROUGH A PORTAL AND ENTER MIDDLE EARTH!!!</strong> You are the Ring Bearer. You age ten years. You must now take the ring to Mordor. [[Shire.]] [[Rivendell.]] <<if $awardLotr === undefined>> \ <<set $awardLotr = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Sneaky Little Colbyses \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
Welcome to the Shire. [[Bilbo.]] [[Martha Stewart.]]
Welcome to Rivendell. [[Elrond.]] [[Thriller.]]
Bilbo is not happy to see you. "I will have no visitors," he says. [[Kill.|Kill Bilbo]] [[Joke.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/martha.png"> What will you ask her? [[Why are you here?]] [[How do I get to Mordor?]]
You use One Ring and turn Bilbo into a worm. You step on him!!! The hobbit cops are on to you!! [[Rivendell.|Rivendell cops]] [[Worms.]]
What joke will you tell him? [[Knock knock.]] [[Pull finger.]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ The hobbit cops chase you to Rivendell!!!<<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">><h2>"STOP IN THE NAME OF $worship!!!"</h2><<else>> <</if>> \ [[Elrond.|Elrond hobbit cops]] [[Beg.]] </div> \
You use the ring to turn hobbit cops into worms. You step on them. Where now? [[Gondor.]] [[Rivendell.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/elrond.png"> What do you want from Elrond? [[Help.|Elrond cops help]] [[His face.]]
You beg the hobbit cops for your life. They're willing to let you bribe them. [[The ring.|Hobbits bribe ring]] [[Autograph.]]
You confess everything to Elrond. He is reluctant to help you because you are a murderer. [[Offer ring.]] [[Caress cheek.|Elrond caress]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ You claw off his face. <span class="urgent">HE IS ACTUALLY MARTHA STEWART!!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/marthasurprise.png" class="shake"> "Surprise!" she wails. You are dead from shock. <strong>You die as Shocked Ring Bearer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \ <<if $awardMartha === undefined>> \ <<set $awardMartha = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Martha's Secret </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
<div class="fx hurt"> \ Elrond takes the One Ring. He uses its power to summon worms. They eat you alive!!! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/wormdeath.png" class="shake"> <strong>You die as Elrond Murdered Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
You caress his cheek. It is so soft. It is distracting. He takes the One Ring from you and you die. <strong>You die as Crushin' on Elrond Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You give hobbit cops the One Ring. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/onering.png" class="spin"> But it is too much for them and they die when they touch it. You get away safely! Now where? [[Gondor.]] [[Lothlórien]]
You offer them your autograph. But you're not famous, you're just dead. <strong>You die as Hobbit Copped Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You must pass through Moria first. [[Ok.|Moria]] [[Never.|No Moria]]
Galadriel takes ring from you. She becomes evil overlord. You are dead. <strong>You die as Failed Ring Bearer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ <span class="urgent">BALROG!!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/balrog.png" class="shake"> <strong>You die as Balrog Murdered Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
You get lost. You somehow exit Middle Earth and arrive at elementary school. Elementary school is so ugly. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/school1.png"><<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv2>> \ <em>Most of the kids are wearing $worship memorabilia!!</em> Colbytology is the cool hip thing everyone talks about at recess. <<else>> \ Some of the kids are wearing $worship memorabilia. <</if>> \ <</if>> \ [[Pretty girl.]] [[Make friends.]]
"Who's there?" Bilbo asks. [[Robin.]] [[Owls say.]]
Bilbo is not amused. He pulls out bow and arrow and shoots you. <strong>You die as Bilbo Shot Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"Robin who?" Bilbo asks. <div class="shake"><span class="urgent">"<em>ROBBIN'</em> YOU, HAND OVER THE CASH!!!"</span></div> <<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ "Oh holy $worship!" he cries. "Please protect me!" <<else>> \ <</if>> \ Bilbo gives you all his money. Where do you go now? [[Gondor.]] [[Lothlórien]]
"Owls say who?" Bilbo asks. "Yes they do!!" you shout. Bilbo is not amused. He shanks you. <strong>You die as Bilbo Shot Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"I've come to surprise you," she says. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/marthaevil.png" class="shake"> She laughs wickedly. [[Goodbye.|Shire 2]]
She doesn't know. What a waste of a question. [[Ok.|Shire 2]]
You're still in the Shire. [[Bilbo.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/elrond.png"> What do you want from Elrond? [[His face.|His face 2]] [[Where is Mordor?|Mordor q Elrond]]
A procession of <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">>Colbytologist <</if>>elves is performing Michael Jackson's Thriller. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/elvesdance.png" class="sway"><<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">>"<em>$worship!</em>"<<else>>"<em>Thriller, thriller night!</em>"<</if>> [[Join them.]] [[Play Queen instead.]]
You try to claw off his face. He's too quick! You notice a strand of blonde hair among his dark hairs. "Leave," he says. What a waste. [[Ok.|Rivendell 2]]
He doesn't like you. He snaps his fingers and summons a monster!! [[What is it?|Moria]]
You're still in Rivendell. [[Thriller.]]
You try to dance with them. You have no dance skills. You trip and die. <strong>You die as Dancing Ring Bearer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You play Bohemian Rhapsody. Elrond comes out. "I love this song!" he says. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/elrondhappy.png" class="sway"> [[Me too.]] [[How do I get to Mordor?|Thriller Mordor]]
Elrond thinks you're trying to be as cool as him. He zaps you and sends you away, out of Middle Earth. [[Ok.|Explore.]]
"Just take the bus. DON'T TAKE THE SUBWAY," he says. [[Take bus.]] [[Take subway.]]
Welcome to Mordor. [[Martha Stewart.|Martha Mordor]] <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ [[Mount Doom.|Mount Doom 2]] <<else>> \ [[Mount Doom.]] <</if>> \
You were told not to take the subway. You arrive in Narnia. You die. <strong>You die as Narnia Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/martha.png"> What do you want from her? [[Why are you here?|Martha mordor]] [[Her face.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mountdoom.png" class="shake"> It is too hot! You shrivel up in flames. <strong>You die as Mordor Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/marthaevil.png"> "Why are <em>you</em> here?" she asks in reply. You weren't ready for that question. You start to think about how you got here... Something dabbing in the garden... Past lives... Infinite timelines... Infinite realities... You fall into madness. You die. <strong>You die as Insane Ring Bearer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You claw off her face!!! <div class="shake"><span class="urgent">SHE IS YOU!</span></div> You die from shock. <strong>You die as Shocked Mordor Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
It's a personal question. She doesn't like that. She sends you away to the psych ward in revenge. <strong>You die as Psycho Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"I would have looked for Middle Earth or Narnia," she says. [[Middle Earth?]] [[Narnia?]]
<<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">>"$worship knows just how much I've longed to see it with my eyes," she says. <</if>> \ She tells you Middle Earth can only be accessed through a strange combination of washing machines and alternate realities. You must die first. She kills you as a favor. <strong>You die as Psychiatrist Murdered Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
She tells you Narnia can only be accessed through a different world. But in order to get to that different world, you must defeat a magical being. And die. So she kills you. As a favor. <strong>You die as Psychiatrist Murdered Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="footer-ghost" style="width: 100%; height: 70px;"> \ </div> \ <div class="footer-float"> \ <div class="footer-text" id="footer-copy"> \ <div class="footer-inner">© <span id="copyright"> <script>document.getElementById('copyright').appendChild(document.createTextNode(new Date().getFullYear()))</script> </span> by Saul Marquez. \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="footer-text" id="footer-menu"> \ <div class="footer-inner"> \ <<button [[Achievements|Achievements]]>><</button>> \ <<button [[Quit|Start]]>><</button>> \ <<if $timetravel is "true">> \ <<button '<span class="icon-undo2"></span>'>><<run Engine.backward()>><</button>> \ <<button '<span class="icon-redo2"></span>'>><<run Engine.forward()>><</button>> \ <</if>> \ <<if $debugger>> \ <<button [[Debugger|Debug]]>><</button>> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologykill is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologists > 0>> \ <<set _colbytologygrowth = random(5000, 10000)>> \ <<set $colbytologists -= _colbytologygrowth>> \ <<else>> \ <<if $colbytologists < 0>> \ <<set $colbytologists = 0>> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ <<else>> <<if $colbytologists < 100>> \ <<set _colbytologygrowth = random(0, 3)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _colbytologygrowth>> \ <<else>> \ <<if $colbytologists < 10000>> \ <<set _colbytologygrowth = random(100, 250)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _colbytologygrowth>> \ <<else>> \ <<if $colbytologists < 1000000>> \ <<set _colbytologygrowth = random(1000, 10000)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _colbytologygrowth>> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ \ <<if tags().includes('dead')>> \ <<set $deaths += 1>> \ <</if>> \ \ <<include "colbytologyawards">> \ <<if $backupWorship is not undefined>> \ <<if $worship is undefined || $worship === "" || $worship === " ">> \ <<set $worship to $backupWorship>> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \
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<<include "awardspopup">> \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardMomiscolby is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/momcolby.png][MY MOM IS COLBY MODULE]] \ <div class="awardtitle">So I Guess My Mom Is Colby</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardHalloween is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/halloween.png][Halloween.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">It's the Smelly Halloween, Charlie Brown</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardDiaper is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/diaper.png][Halloween.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">You Are the Diaper</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardLotr is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/lotr.png][Magic spell 2]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Sneaky Little Colbyses</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardMartha is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/martha.png][Magic spell 2]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Martha's Secret</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardSchool is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/school.png][School.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Go to School, Young Man</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardPrincipal is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/principal.png][Trash.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Elementary, my dear Colby</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardPcolby is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/principalcolby.png][The school.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Pardon My French but You’re a Principal!</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardNerds is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/nerdwin.png][Food fight.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Roll a Nerd Check</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardCatniss is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/catniss.png][Attack.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">May the Cats Be Ever in Your Favor</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardHacker is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/hacker.png][Hacking skills.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Mr. Colbybot</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardSeaturtle is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/seaturtle.png][Tonga.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Turtles are food, not friends</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardAtlantis is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/atlantis.png][Noseride.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Deep Sea Colby</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardMermaid is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/mermaids.png][Taco Tuesdays.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">A Reasonable Merman</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item wordbreak"> \ <<if $awardBlogger is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blogger.png][Start blog.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">www.colbythoughts.gov.www/colbythoughts</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardCollege is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/college.png][Good grades.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">What, Like It’s Hard?</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardMeme is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/meme.png][Memes.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">I Like Memes</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardModel is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/workitbaby.png][Sweet nothings.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Work It, Baby!</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardChupa is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/chupacabra.png][Chupacabra Real]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Van Chupasing</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardArba is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/arba.png][Bait.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Chupacabra Spelled Backwards!</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardTime is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/timetravel.png][Special project.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">1.21 Gigawatts!?!</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardOpigeon is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/opigeon.png][Catniss]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Orphan Pigeon Will Remember That</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardOpigeonend is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/opigeonend.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Misfortune Loves Orphans</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardColbytology is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/colbytology.png][Get rich.]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Holy Colby!</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item wordbreak"> \ <<if $awardColbytology100 is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/colbytology1.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">100 Colbytologists</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <<if $awardColbytology is "true">> \ <div class="awardtitle">100 Colbytologists</div> \ <<else>> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item wordbreak"> \ <<if $awardColbytology10K is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/colbytology2.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">10,000 Colbytologists</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <<if $awardColbytology is "true">> \ <div class="awardtitle">10,000 Colbytologists</div> \ <<else>> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item wordbreak"> \ <<if $awardColbytology1M is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/colbytology3.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">1 Million Colbytologists</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <<if $awardColbytology is "true">> \ <div class="awardtitle">1 Million Colbytologists</div> \ <<else>> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ \ \ <div class="trophy-case"> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardDeaths is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/deaths.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">Ain't No Grave</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardGoldtime is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/goldtime.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">The Golden Timeline</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="trophy-cell"> \ <div class="trophy-item"> \ <<if $awardTheend is "true">> \ [img[https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/theend.png]] \ <div class="awardtitle">The End</div> \ <<else>><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/medals/blank.png"> \ <div class="awardtitle">———</div> \ <</if>> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<return "Exit.">>
<div class="fx shake"> \ <span class="urgent">NURSE IS ONE OF THE WORMS!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/wormnurse.png"> </div> \ <strong>You die as Wormed Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Yum. Worms is tasty. You gain knowledge and strength. What will you do now? [[World domination.]] [[Cinema.]]
Principal overhears plan for world domination. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/principal.png"> You are now in detention. [[Bribe.]] <<if $awardPrincipal is "true">>[[Blackmail.|Blackmail 2]] <<else>>[[Blackmail.]] <</if>>
Welcome to cinema, home of movies. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/cinema.png"> What will you watch? [[Die hard.]] [[Fantasia.]]
Movie is so-so. [[Start blog.]] [[Refund.]]
Movie is meh. [[Start blog.]] [[Popcorn.]]
<<if $colbytologyLv3 is "true">><strong><em>Maybe it'll be as popular as $worship!</em></strong> <</if>> \ What will you name your blog? <<textbox '$blogname' '' autofocus>> [[Name blog.]]
There is a no refund policy. You die. <strong>You die as No Refund Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You love popcor- <div class="shake"><span class="urgent">OH NO!!</span></div> KERNEL GETS STUCK IN YOUR TEETH. YOUR GUMS BLEED AND YOU DIE. <strong>You die as Popcorn Bleeding Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<set $blogname to $blogname.toUpperCase()>> \ <<if $blogname is "">> \ You forgot to name your blog, you idiot! You have bad SEO but the blog is still live. <<set $blogname = "Colby">> \ <<elseif $blogname is " ">> \ You forgot to name your blog, you idiot! You have bad SEO but the blog is still live. <<set $blogname = "Colby">> \ <<elseif $blogname.includes("SHIT")>> \ Your blog... *checks notes* <strong>$blogname</strong> is now live. The name makes some visitors uncomfortable. <<elseif $blogname.includes("FUCK")>> \ Your blog... *checks notes* <strong>$blogname</strong> is now live. The name makes some visitors uncomfortable. <<elseif $blogname.includes("DICK")>> \ Your blog... *checks notes* <strong>$blogname</strong> is now live. The name makes some visitors uncomfortable. <<else>> \ Congratulations, your blog <strong>$blogname</strong> is now live! <</if>> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/blog.png"> What will you do? [[Blog about life.]] [[Movie review.]] <<if $awardBlogger === undefined>> \ <<set $awardBlogger = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ www.colbythoughts.gov \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
What do you wish to share? [[Life story.]] [[Last night's dinner recipe.]]
What will you say about the movie? [[It was the best. (Lie)]] [[It wasn't the best. (Truth)]]
<div style="background: #F8F9F9; width: 80%; margin: auto auto; padding: 15px 15px 60px 15px; color: #000000; border-radius: 15px; box-shadow: 5px 5px 20px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.3) ; "> \ <h2 style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px;">My first blog post by me</h2> \ <div style="width: 100%; border-bottom: 1px dashed; padding-bottom: 5px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 0px;"><em>By Colby</em></div> \ <div class="typing"><h4>My life...</h4></div> \ </div> \ [[has been happy so far.|My life has been happy so far.]] [[has been ok so far.|My life has been ok so far.]] [[has been sad so far.|My life has been sad so far.]]
Last night's dinner was liver and onions. Gross. <strong>You die as Liver and Onions Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
The internet knows you are inauthentic and you are canceled. <strong>You die as Canceled Inauthentic Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You post your review. You receive your first comment! <<script>> $(document).one(':passageend', function (ev) { var d = new Date($.now()); $("#date").text((d.getMonth()+1)+"-"+d.getDate()+"-"+d.getFullYear()+" "+d.getHours()+":"+d.getMinutes()); }); <</script>> \ \ <div class="shake" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.9); color: #000000; border-radius: 10px; padding: 10px; width: 80%; margin: auto auto; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; box-shadow: 5px 5px 20px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.3);"> \ <strong style="color: #AF7AC5;">ilovemovies37</strong> <span style="color: #85929E;">@ <span id="date"></span></span> u suck i love that movie u suck i hate you u suck buy crypto </div> \ You die. <strong>You die as Failed Blogger Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Oops. That's no good. The point of this game is for you to constantly face set backs and die. If you're happy, then something has gone wrong. Let's fix that. You are dead now. <strong>You die as Happily Dead Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You post your story. You receive a comment: <<script>> $(document).one(':passageend', function (ev) { var d = new Date($.now()); $("#date").text((d.getMonth()+1)+"-"+d.getDate()+"-"+d.getFullYear()+" "+d.getHours()+":"+d.getMinutes()); }); <</script>> \ \ <div style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.9); color: #000000; border-radius: 10px; padding: 10px; width: 80%; margin: auto auto; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; box-shadow: 5px 5px 20px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.3); "> \ <strong style="color: #AF7AC5;">shrek_nigereanprnce</strong> <span style="color: #85929E;">@ <span id="date"></span></span> gr8 content mate!! <span style="text-decoration: underline;">click her</span> for overseas pharmacies that deliver to usa </div> \ It is spam. You die. <strong>You die as Comment Spam Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You share your story. Great news: <strong><em>Lifetime wants to turn your life into a movie!!</em></strong> [[Accept offer.]] [[Decline offer.]]
<<if $blogname === undefined>> \ A few weeks later, <span style="text-transform: uppercase;"><strong>I AM COLBY THE MOVIE</strong></span> hits cinemas. <<set $blogname === "Colby">> \ <<elseif $blogname is " ">> \ You forgot to name your blog, you idiot! You have bad SEO but the blog is still live. <<elseif $blogname.includes("SHIT")>> \ A few weeks later, <strong>$blogname THE MOVIE</strong> hits cinemas. Parents have banned their children from seeing this movie. <<elseif $blogname.includes("FUCK")>> \ A few weeks later, <strong>$blogname THE MOVIE</strong> hits cinemas. Parents have banned their children from seeing this movie. <<elseif $blogname.includes("DICK")>> \ A few weeks later, <strong>$blogname THE MOVIE</strong> hits cinemas. Parents have banned their children from seeing this movie. <<else>> \ A few weeks later, <span style="text-transform: uppercase;"><strong>$blogname THE MOVIE</strong></span> hits cinemas. <</if>> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/cinema.png"> It is a hit. [[Oprah.]] [[Video game.]]
You shrivel up, always wondering what life could have been. <strong>You die as Regretful Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Welcome to the Oprah Show. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprah.png"> "Why do you do?" she asks. [[For the children.]] [[For the orphans.]]
You sell the video game rights to your life story ... but EA Games was the only interested buyer. They fill your video game with MICROTRANSACTIONS!! You die. <strong>You die as Failed Video Game Mogul Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"What is your belief about children?" she asks. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahhmm.png"> [[They are the future.]] [[They are the way.|They are the future.]]
"Look under your seats!" she exclaims. The crowd gasps! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahshout.png" class="shake"> <div class="shake urgent">"ORPHANS FOR EVERYONE!!"</div> You get an orphan, but you are not ready for this responsibility. <strong>You die as Orphan Father Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Oprah is impressed with your wisdom. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahsurprised.png"> "How do you know this?" she asks. [[I ate worms. (Tell the truth)]] [[I read books. (Lie)]] <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ [[Colbytology.|Colbytology Oprah]] <</if>> \
Suddenly, <span class="urgent">worms stream out of your body!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/wormdeath.png" class="shake"> The worms you ate earlier laid eggs inside you! How embarrassing. <strong>You die as Nationally Embarrassed Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahhmm.png"> You clear your throat. "Well, <<linkreplace "...">>I can certainly tell you that <<linkreplace "...">>I definitely <em>don't</em> eat worms <<linkreplace "...">>anymore<</linkreplace>>. In fact, <<linkreplace "...">>I happen to read books." <<linkreplace "“Interesting,” Oprah remarks.">>"What is the best book?" she asks. [[Bridge to terabithia.]] [[Justin Bieber's autobiography first step 2 forever.]] <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
Oprah cries. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahsad.png"> "This book makes me emotional!" she exclaims. You become known as the person who made Oprah cry and now the nation hates you. <strong>You die as the person who made Oprah cry.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"You are a fraud!" she exclaims. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahsuspicious.png"> This is so embarassing. <strong>You die as Fraud Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<if Save.autosave.has()>> \ <div id="save-info"> \ <div id="save-stats"> \ <div class="row"> \ <div class="col-1"> \ Deaths </div> \ <div class="col-2"> \ <<print $deaths>> </div> \ </div> \ <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ <div class="row"> \ <div class="col-1"> \ Colbytologists </div> \ <div class="col-2"> \ <<print setup.formatNumber($colbytologists)>> </div> \ </div> \ <</if>> \ <div class="row"> \ <div class="col-1"> \ Achievements </div> \ <div class="col-2"> \ <<print $awards>>/30 </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> <<link "Continue.">><<run Save.autosave.load()>><</link>> [[Achievements.|Achievements]] [[Reset game.]] <<else>> \ [[New game.]] <</if>> \ <!--- [[Debug.|Explore.][$debugger to true]] ---> <div style="font-size: 12px; text-align: center; width: 100%;"> \ Version 3.4.2 </div> \
Double-click this passage to edit it. <<print Story .lookup("tags", "img") .map(function (passage) { return "[" + "[" + passage.title + "]" + "]"; }) .join("\n") >>
<h2>Are you sure you want to reset the game?</h2>This will erase your previous progress, including unlocked achievements. [[Nevermind.|Start]] <<link [[Do it.|Refresh game]]>><</link>>
What will you offer? [[Ear pick.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">>[[Salvation.]] <<else>>[[Slide a Franklin across the table.]] <</if>>
You have no dirt on the principal! <strong>You die as Detention Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img id="girlreax" src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/prettygirlscared.png"> You clear your throat. "Are you trash? <<linkreplace "...">>Because I'd like to take you out." <<linkreplace "...">>She thinks it's funny. Time to meet her parents. [[Yes.|Meet Parents]] [[Nah.|Meet Parents 2]] <<script>>$("#girlreax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/prettygirlhappy.png");<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <img id="girlreax" src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/prettygirlscared.png"> You clear your throat. "My favorite fruit is you because <<linkreplace "...">><strong>you a <em>fine</em>apple.</strong>" <<linkreplace "...">>She hates you. <strong>You die as Fineapple Lover Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" );<</script>> \ <<script>>$("#girlreax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/prettygirlmad.png");<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
They want to know more about you. What do you tell them? [[Hobbies.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ [[Religion.|Religion 2]] <<else>> \ [[Religion.]] <</if>> \
You try to run but... <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/principal.png"> <span class="loud urgent">Her father is the school principal!</span> He is too fast for you! [[Poison.]] [[Secrets.]]
The only hobby you have is dying. They ask you to demonstrate. <strong>You die as Hobby Death Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You have never known religion. <strong>You die as No Salvation Colby.</strong> <em>... but you wonder if you could have been a cult leader in a different lifetime.</em> [[Play again?]]
You try to poison him but are too sloppy to succeed. He calls your parents and you are grounded forever. <strong>You die as Grounded Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You want to know his secrets. What will you ask? [[Chimichangas.]] [[Earwax.]]
"The secret ingredient to my chimis is earwax." [[Call health inspector.|Earwax Murder]] [[Call CDC.|Earwax Murder]]
"The last time I cleaned my ears was the day my wife and I kidnapped our daughter." [[Call cops.|Earwax Murder]] [[Call mom.|Earwax Murder]] <<if $awardPrincipal === undefined>> \ <<set $awardPrincipal = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Elementary, my dear Colby </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
<div class="fx loud"> \ You reach for the phone but <span class="urgent">an earwax arm shoots from his ear and strangles you!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/earwaxdeath.png" class="shake"> <strong>You die as Earwaxed Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
You remember from a past life that <em>the principal kidnapped his daughter!</em> What will you demand from him? [[The school.]] [[Good grades.]]
You are now school principal. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/principalcolby.png"> What do you do on your first day? [[Food fight.]] [[Lady Gaga Day.]] <<if $awardPcolby === undefined>> \ <<set $awardPcolby = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Pardon My French but You’re a Principal! </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
He gives you the highest grades. <strong>Your grades are so good that you suddenly grow 10 years and start college!</strong> What will you study? [[UFOs.]] [[Memes.]] <<if $awardCollege === undefined>> \ <<set $awardCollege = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ What, Like It’s Hard? </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
Food fight breaks out. Who will you attack first? [[Cool kids.]] [[Nerdy kids.]]
<strong>You declare Lady Gaga Day.</strong> Everyone must dress like Lady Gaga. What will you wear? [[Meat.]] [[Paparazzo.]]
You buy a meat dress but it spoils before you can wear it to school. You get salmonella. <strong>You die as Meat Dress Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You ask paparazzo if you can wear his skin to school. Instead, he takes photo of you and tries to sell it to <em>Celebrity Daily</em> for big bucks. But you're not famous in this timeline. Paparazzo gets frustrated and kills you in his struggle. <strong>You die as Not-A-Celebrity Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You prepare salami launcher when coolest kid in school approaches you. "We will vote you elementary prom king if you attack nerds instead." [[Attack nerds.]] [[Attack cools.]]
<<set _nerdroll = random(1, 20)>> \ <<set _colbyroll = random(1, 20)>> \ <img id="reax" src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/nerds.png"> Nerdy kids roll 20-sided die to cast a shield over themselves. <strong>Nerds roll a <<print _nerdroll>>! You </strong><<linkreplace "roll...">><strong>roll a <<print _colbyroll>>!</strong> <<if _colbyroll == _nerdroll>> \ It's a tie! [[Roll again.|Nerdy kids.]] <<elseif _colbyroll > _nerdroll>> \ [[Smirk.|Nerds Lose]] [[Lick lips.|Nerds Lose]] <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/nerdslose.png");<</script>> \ <<script>>$("#reax").addClass("shake");<</script>> \ <<else>> \ Nerds lick their chapped lips. [[Flee for your life.|Nerds Death]] [[Assign detentions.|Nerds Death]] <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/nerdswin.png");<</script>> \ <<script>>$("#reax").addClass("shake");<</script>> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
It's no use! They dump you in chocolate fondue which immediatley solidifies. They nibble on your chocolate fingers and toes the rest of the school year. <strong>You die as Chocolate Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
What do you throw at them!? <div class="shake">[[Chimichangas.|Chimis]] [[Whoopie pies.]] </div> <<if $awardNerds === undefined>> \ <<set $awardNerds = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Roll a Nerd Check </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
You throw earwax-stuffed chimichangas at them. Chimis land in their mouths and they explode! You're caught in the splash zone! <strong>You die as Earwax-Covered Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You shoot whoopie pies straight into their mouths. They love the flavor! Nerds agree to grant you one wish. [[Hacking skills.]] [[Nunchuck skills.]]
You learn hacking skills! What will you hack first? [[YouAreColby.com]] [[Nintendo.]]
You learn nunchuck skills! Who will you attack first? [[Glee club.]] [[FBI.]]
Wat. You can't hack YouAreColby.com. That's not cool. No. [[Beep boop.]] [[Click clack.]]
Nintendo's systems are too powerful! <strong>You die as No Talent Hacker Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
The superintendent learns about your plans! "Starting a food fight and now attacking innocent Glee kids? You're expelled!" <strong>You die as Expelled Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Welcome to the FBI! How can we help you today? [[Class visit.]] [[State secrets.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "principal" )<</script>> \ FBI agrees to a class visit. When they arrive, <span class="urgent">you surprise them with nunchuck attack!</span> <<linkreplace "...">> \ <div class="loud"><span class="urgent">But they were onto you!</span></div> <strong>You die as FBI Most Wanted Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "principal" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
What would you like to know? [[Truth about chupacabras.]] [[Truth about Zac Efron.]]
Nerds don't stand a chance. You are <em>soooo</em> cool now! You're voted Prom King of Elementary School Prom. <<linkreplace "...">>You now have influence. [[Make mullets cool again.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">>[[Promote Colbytology.|Colbytology School]] <<else>>[[Influencer life.]] <</if>> <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "principal" )<</script>> \ Cools don't like that. Not one bit. You're voted Most Likely to Die at Elementary School Prom. <<linkreplace "...">>You immediatley die. <strong>You die as Most Likely to Die Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "principal" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
"Despite what you may have been told before, there is, in fact, a chupacabra in the garden." They kill you for this information. <strong>You die as Chupacabra-Knowing Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<set $chupacabra = "true">> \
"Zefron? He's cake. Just like me. Just like you. Just like everything." [[Wait, it's all cake?]]
<span class="urgent">Always has been.</span> <strong>You die as Cake Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
What do you have to say to yourself? [[Sweet nothings.]] [[Powerful curses.]]
The lady in the cell next to you is crazy. What do you speak to her about? [[Roses.]] [[Cheese.]]
"Boy do I have something to tell you about roses," she says. You scooch in closer to hear<<linkreplace " ...">>. "Roses are red<<linkreplace " ...">>, I love eating flies<<linkreplace " ...">>, Have you ever heard the Tragedy of Catniss Slaughterdeen the Wise?" [[Yes.|Catniss Yes]] [[No.|Catniss No]] <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
She snaps her fingers and cheese oozes out of your eyes. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/cheese.png" class="shake"> <strong>You die as Crazy Cheese Eyes Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"I'm so happy for you," she says. [[Muffins.]] [[Crayons.]]
"I thought not," she says. "It's not a story your mother would tell you. It's a Crazy House legend. <<linkreplace "...">>Catniss Slaughterdeen was an overlord of crime, so powerful and so wise she could use her bow and arrow to slaughter thousands of pigeons in a flash of light. <<linkreplace "...">> Unfortunately, she taught her apprentice everything she knew. Her apprentice launched a coup and took the crime family for himself. <<linkreplace "...">> I have been searching for Catniss ever since, but I'm afraid she's lost in the multiverse... [[Crayons.]] [[Muffins.]] <<set $catniss = "true">> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
What will you draw for the Crazy Lady? [[Luigi.|Draw Luigi]] [[New nose.]]
Guard brings you and Crazy Lady muffins. Crazy Lady gives you her muffin. MUFFIN IS POISONED! <strong>You die as Crazy Poisoned Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
The sight of the thick moustache and green hat triggers something inside Crazy Lady. <div class="urgent loud">"GANON IS BETTER!"</div> She strangles you! <strong>You die as Crazy But Strangled Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx loud"> \ She places new nose on <span class="urgent"><em>YOU!</em></span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/newnose.png"> You suffocate and die. <strong>You die as New Nose Crazy Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] </div> \
You've boosted your confidence! What do you do now? [[Flirt.|Flirt Crazy]] [[Model.]]
You utter a powerful curse to escape the Crazy House. Where will you go? <<if $chupacabra is "true">>[[Garden.|Garden Chupa]] <<else>>[[Garden.|Garden Empty]] <</if>> \ [[Bolivia.]]
Only thing to flirt with is a cockroach! It falls in love and lays its eggs inside your ears. Baby roaches eat your brain! <strong>You die as Crazy Roach Infested Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Good news! Gerber Products Company wants you to be the face of their new product: <strong>Mushy Liver and Onions, Little Caesars Flavored!™ Baby Food</strong> [[Photoshoot.]] [[Agent.]] <<set $gerber = "true">> \
Work it, baby! The product is a success! What's your next gig? [[Pampers.]] [[Fisher-Price.]]
Good news! Pampers wants you to be the face of their new product: <strong>Adult Diapers For Babies (Patent Pending)!™</strong> [[Photoshoot.|Diaper Photoshoot]] [[Grandma.]]
You call your agent. "Don't take it, I got a better gig lined up for yeh!" she says. [[Gerber.|Photoshoot.]] [[Better gig.]]
Wait. You don't have an agent—you're a baby in the Crazy House! <strong>You die as No Agent Crazy Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Good news! Fisher-Price wants you to be the face of their new product: <strong>Baby's First Crypto Kit!™</strong> [[Photoshoot.|Crypto Photoshoot]] [[Invest.]]
Work it, baby! The product is a success and you're now the face of young crypto investors across the globe! What's your next gig? [[Paw Patrol.]] [[Peppa Pig.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You invest in BabyCoin. <<linkreplace "This is a great idea!">><strong>This is a bad idea!</strong> The value tanks immediately! <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ You pray to $worship for money but it doesn't work. <<else>> \ <</if>> \ <strong>You die as Crazy Crypto Bro Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
Work it, baby! You're now a Paw Patrol Social Media Ambassador. <strong>Paw Patrol's ratings are through the roof!</strong> What's your next gig? [[Blues Clues.]] [[Dora.]]
Work it, baby! You're now a Peppa Pig Social Media Ambassador. <strong>The Queen of England wants you to model for her jubilee!</strong> [[Jubilee.]] [[Dora.]]
Your confidence has boosted so much that you declare war upon the Blues Clues Guys. [[Create propaganda.|Mom Crazy House]] [[Build weapons.|Mom Crazy House]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ Work it, baby! Can you say <em>mucho dinero?</em> Go on, say it! <<linkreplace "Mucho dinero.">> \ Swiper steals all the money you've made. Then you remember you're in the Crazy House and that <strong>this is all a figment of your imagination.</strong> <strong>You die as, "Can You Say Loco Dead Baby Colby?".</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
Work it, baby! The jubilee is a success! Your phone is ringing! <div class="loud"> \ <<linkreplace "Ring! Ring! Ring!">>Walmart is calling! They want you for state propaganda! [[Walmart.|Crazy Realization]] [[Flee.|Crazy Realization]] <<if $awardModel === undefined>> \ <<set $awardModel = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Work It, Baby! </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>></div> \
You suddenly remember that none of this is real. You're in the Crazy House with no way to escape. <strong>You die as Crazy Daydreamer Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Work it, baby! The product is a success! Now old people around the world are squeezing your cheeks and thanking you for your service. What's your next gig? [[Paw Patrol.]] [[Peppa Pig.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You call grandma to tell her the good news! <<linkreplace "...">> \ <div class="urgent loud">Oh no! Grandma decides to audition herself!</div> She needs the cash for bingo! Pampers loves her and offers her the gig. <strong>You die as Grandma-Betrayed Crazy Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ As you layout your plans, your mother arrives at the Crazy House. "I am here to pick up my son." <<linkreplace "The guards escort her to you.">>The guards escort her to you. When she arrives, she finds you in a crazy state. You repeat the names, "Steve... Joe... Josh..." <<linkreplace "...">>"You can keep him," she tells the guards. <strong>You die as Blues Clues Obsessed Crazy Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<div class="shake"><span class="urgent">It's legendary Crime Overlord Catniss Slaughterdeen the Wise!</span></div> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catnisskillspidgeons.png"> She's killed your best pigeon lieutenants. <<if $orphanpidgeon is "true">> \ [[Pay respects.|Pay respects 2]] <<else>> \ [[Pay respects.]] <</if>> \ [[Tame.]] <<if $awardCatniss === undefined>> \ <<set $awardCatniss = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ May the Cats Be Ever in Your Favor </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
You pay your respects to the families of your fallen pigeon lieutenants. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeon.png"> One of the pigeon's children looks you in the eyes and asks, "Why did this happen? I miss my daddy. <strong>I am now orphan coo coo</strong>." [[Avenge.]] [[Silence.]]
She's too wild to be tamed! You're shot in the eye! <strong>You die as Catniss Slaughterdeened Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You vow to avenge Orphan Pigeon's father... [[Catniss.|Catniss 2]] [[Skip town.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You smother Orphan Pigeon with pillow. <<linkreplace "...">>The Pidgeon Mob hears of this and attacks you! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeonkillscolby.png" class="shake"> <strong>You die as Orphan Pigeon Killer Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catniss.png"> [[Throw pebbles.]] [[Throw pancakes.]]
... but not really. Where will you hide? [[Bolivia.]] [[Tonga.]] <<set $orphanpidgeon = "true">> \ <<if $awardOpigeon === undefined>> \ <<set $awardOpigeon = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Orphan Pigeon Will Remember That </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
Bolivia is beautiful! What do you do? [[Llamas.]] [[Salt flats.]]
It's sunny here. What do you do? [[Surf yo.]] [[Sea turtles.]]
The waves are gnarly! What is your surf technique? [[Carve.]] [[Noseride.]]
Yummy yummy. How will you cook them? [[Ninja.]] [[Meet cute.]]
You karate chop the turtles but hit their rock-solid shells! Your hand breaks and you die. <strong>You die as Broken Hand Hungry Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You're just a quirky Baby Colby walking along the beach with your coffee mug. <<linkreplace "...">><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/turtlecute.png"> A cute sea turtle is scampering toward you. It looks distressed, like it's late for an important internship interview or something. Just as it's about to pass, you <<linkreplace "collide!">>collide! <div class="urgent loud" style="display: inline-block;">"I'm so clumsy!"</div> the sea turtle exclaims. <strong>The contents of your coffee mug are dripping from the sea turtle.</strong> "I'm so sorry," you say. The sea turtle is upset until it looks into your eyes. As if in a trance it says, "I feel as though we were meant to meet. Perhaps we could be friends?" You shake your head. "We can never be friends." "Why not?" <<linkreplace "...">>"What I'm saying is—and this is not a come-on in any way shape or form—is that men and sea turtles can't be friends. <<linkreplace "...">>The hunger part always gets in the way." <<linkreplace "...">>"Well that's not true," the turtle says. "I have a number of men friends<<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">>—<em>some are even Colbytologists</em>—<<else>> <</if>>and there is no hunger i-involved..." The turtle realizes its skin is smoking. <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent shake">Your coffee mug contained BOILING HOT FRYING OIL! Turtle has been cooking this whole time!</div> \ The turtle crisps just right and you enjoy a tasty snack. Now what? [[Hunt its children.]] [[Haunt its siblings.]] <<if $awardSeaturtle === undefined>> \ <<set $awardSeaturtle = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Turtles are food, not friends </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
<span class="urgent">THE CHILDREN SET BOOBY TRAPS FOR YOU!</span> They eat your innards. <strong>You die as Baby Sea Turtle Food Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
How will you haunt them? [[Ghost.]] [[Threats.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You sneak up behind the sea turtle siblings and say, <<linkreplace "...">> <div class="urgent loud">"It's me your dead sibling, come to haunt yoOoOoUuUuU! <em>spookyspookyspooky!!</em>"</div> \ <<linkreplace "...">>Suddenly the ghost of the <strong>actual</strong> sea turtle sibling possesses your body! It forces you in the ocean. You drown. <strong>You die as Sea Turtle Possessed Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You write a threatening note: <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/threaten.png"> \ <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent shake">BUT YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND IT TO YOURSELF!</div> \ You're covered in hot frying oil. You cook to a perfect crisp. You smell very yummy tho. <strong>You die as Very Yummy But Very Crispy Baby Colby Snack.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>>
Llamas have rabies! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/llamarabies.png"> [[Flee.|Llamas 2]] [[Cure.|Llamas 2]]
You lick the salt flats. The salt is sharp like razors! <strong>You die as Bleeding Tongue Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You drown. <strong>You die as Terrible Surfer Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ You <em><strong>nosedive</strong></em> into the water instead. <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent loud">But you discover the LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS.</div> The mermaids are supermodels. [[Get rich.]] [[Get married.]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<if $awardAtlantis === undefined>> \ <<set $awardAtlantis = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Deep Sea Colby </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>>
Sorry, I meant to say <strong>babies</strong>. Let's try that again: <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/llamababies.png"> <strong>Llamas have babies!</strong> [[Flee.|Llama Flee]] [[Cure.|Llama Cure]]
You try to get away but the baby llamas are gaining on you! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/llamarun.png"> [[Pebbles.]] [[Snacks.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You cure the llamas of their babies. There are no more baby llamas in the world. <<linkreplace "...">>The demand for llamas goes up, but the supply can't be replenished. <<linkreplace "...">>Llama population dwindles. <<linkreplace "...">>Bolivian economy collapses. <<linkreplace "...">>Elon Musk announces robot llamas.<<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">> He's invested a lot into Colbytology recently, so they'll be used in special cultish experiments.<</if>> <<linkreplace "...">>Robot llamas must study real llamas to be realistic. <<linkreplace "...">>Elon Musk captures the final remaining llamas to be studied by his robots. <<linkreplace "...">>U.S. Congress holds hearing on Musk's llama monopoly. <<linkreplace "...">>He faces no consequences because money. <<linkreplace "...">>Remaining llamas die in captivity. <<linkreplace "...">>You die of guilt. <strong>You die as Guilty Llama Curer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
You throw pebbles at baby llamas but they spit them back at you! They knock your eye out. <strong>You die as Pebble Eye Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<if $gerber is "true">> \ You only have <strong>Mushy Liver and Onions, Little Caesars Flavored™ Baby Food!</strong> <<else>> \ You only have Nutella! <</if>> \ You throw gobs of it at the llamas but you get it all over yourself instead. They eat you alive! <strong>You die as Llama Snack Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
No. <h1>I said <strong>NO.</strong></h1> \ <strong>You die as Defiant Hacker Colby.</strong> Sheesh. [[Play again?]]
Knock it off! [[Hacky hacky.]] [[Wacky wacky.|Beep boop.]]
<h1 class="spin">SERIOUSLY STAHP.</h1> [[Snicker snicker.]] [[Flicker flicker.|Beep boop.]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ <h1 style="font-size:130px;">YOU'RE RUINING EVERY THING I BUILT!</h1> [[Bippity.|Beep boop.]] <<if $hacker is "true">> \ [[Boppity.|Boppity 2]] <<else>> \ [[Boppity.]] <</if>> \ [[Boo.|Beep boop.]] </div>
<<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> You are b-bbb-b0Rn. You are Baby <div class="urgent sway" style="inline-block;">Colby</div>. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/birth.png" class="spin"> [[Your mom is Colby.|MY MOM IS COLBY MODULE]] <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ [[Hail Colbytology.]] <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
[[Grow.]]
<<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">> \ <<set $colbytologists = $colbytologists * 10>> \ Colbytologists have multiplied by 10! <<else>> \ <<set $colbytologists = $colbytologists * 10>> \ Colbytologists have multiplied by 10! <</if>> \ <<else>> \ <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ <<set $colbytologists = $colbytologists * 3>> \ Colbytologists have tripled! <</if>> \ <</if>> \ <<include "colbytologists">> [[Grow more.]]
<h2 class="loud">NORTON ANTIVIRUS COPS BREAK INTO YOUR HOME AND PUT A STOP TO THIS MADNESS!!</h2><strong>You die as Pathetic Hacker Colby.</strong> Don't even think about hacking into my systems again. I'm upping my security next time. [[Play again?]] <<set $hacker = "true">> \
<<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <<linkreplace "...">> <h3>Initiating system security.</h3> \ <<linkreplace "...">> \ System password required. <<linkreplace "...">> \ <<textbox '$syspass' '' autofocus>> [[Submit.|Hacker Submit]] <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<<if $syspass is "thicc">> \ [[...|Boppity.]] <<if $awardHacker === undefined>> \ <<set $awardHacker = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Mr. Colbybot </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <<else>> \ [[...|Grow more.]] <</if>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ The password is written on a sticky note! <img id="reax" src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/postit.png"> \ <<linkreplace "...">> \ <h1 class="shake">Wait. You weren't supposed to find this! DIE.</h1><strong>You die as Sneaky Hacker Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/postit2.png");<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>>
How will you get rich? [[Treasure.]] <<if $colbytologists > 1>>[[Cult.|Cult 2]] <<else>>[[Cult.]] <</if>> \
<strong>Ew! You're still a baby!</strong> You can't get married. <strong>You die as Too Young For Love Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
What treasure will you steal? [[Beauty products.]] [[Sexy Seaweed.]]
It's one of the best side hustles! What does your cult worship? <<textbox '$worship' '' autofocus>> [[Create doctrine.]]
<<if $worship is "">> \ Your cult must worship <em>something!</em> [[Try again.|Cult.]] <<elseif $worship is " ">> \ Your cult must worship <em>something!</em> [[Try again.|Cult.]] <<else>> \ You propose creating the <strong>Church of Colbytology</strong>, which worships everything pertaining to <strong>$worship</strong>. The mermaids will grant you this wish if you can solve their riddle. <<linkreplace "Riddle.">> \ <strong><em>How does a shellfish answer a text from an unknown number?</em></strong> [[Who dis.]] [[It doesn't.]] <</linkreplace>> \ <</if>>
<span class="urgent">New shellphone who dis?</span> Mermaids are pleased with your response. Baby mermaids across the seas have a crush on you thanks to your wit. They will grant your wish. [[Colbytology.]] \ <<set $backupWorship to $worship>> \
Mermaids zap you with their laser eyes! <em>Shellfish are very respectable creatures that never leave anyone on read!</em> <strong>You die as Shellfish Disrespecter Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Mermaids shake their sexy haunches and chant the magic words. <<linkreplace "...">><div class="loud"><h1 class="shimmer" style="text-align:center;">All hail Colbytology!</h1></div> \ <h3 style="text-align:center;">Praise be to $worship!!</h3> <<set $colbytology = "true">> \ <<set $colbytologists = 1>> \ <<linkreplace "...">>As the leader of Colbytology, it's your duty to evangelize and declare your belief in $worship. You will have the opportunity to do this in future lifetimes. <<linkreplace "...">>As Colbytology gains followers, it will spread across timelines until it consumes the entire Colbyverse. The speed of its growth will increase as more converts join and embrace the blessings of $worship. <<linkreplace "...">><strong>There is 1 Colbytologist across the Colbyverse.</strong> [[Die.|Colbytology die]] <<if $awardColbytology === undefined>> \ <<set $awardColbytology = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Holy Colby! </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
Have fun spreading Colbytology! <strong>You die as Cult Leader Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Mermaids already have a cult! <<if $colbytologists > 14>> \ They belong to the Church of Colbytology! <em>They don't realize you're the founder!</em> <<else>> \ They belong to the Church of Sexy Seaweed! <</if>> \ <strong>You die as Failed Cult Leader Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
The greatest treasure of the mermaids. <em>It's so glamorous!</em> What do you do? [[Makeup.]] [[Garage sale.]]
A prized possession of the mermaids—they worship this stuff! [[Mustache.]] [[Bracelet.]]
You look gorgeous! <<linkreplace "...">> That octopus has the hots for you! [[Pucker up.]] [[Buttercup.]] <</linkreplace>>
There's lots of sexy mermaids in your garage! "How much for this lipstick?" a customer asks. [[10 pa'anga.]] [[100 pa'anga.]]
Its beak snaps the lips off your face! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/nolips.png"> <strong>You die as No Lips Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
It doesn't like that nickname! It strangles you and licks the makeup off your face. <strong>You die as Octopus Hater Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Great deal! Mermaid pays for lipstick. "How much for this minty shampoo?" next customer asks. [[15 pa'anga.]] [[50 pa'anga.]]
<h3 class="shake"><em>That's too much money!!</em></h3> \ Mermaid stabs you and takes the lipstick. <strong>You die as No Lipstick Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Shampoo must suck if it's that cheap! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/shampoo.png"> Mermaid chucks bottle at your head. You die, but with luscious hair. <strong>You die as Good Hair Day Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Mermaid's hair is now luscious!! "How much for this baby?" next customer asks. [[1,000,000 paʻanga.]] [[Call cops.]]
<h2 class="shake"><em>You</em> are the baby!</h2><strong>You die as Million Dollar Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Mermaid cops throw the perp in prison. [[Visit.]] [[Sell more.]]
Mermaid kidnapper is miserable in prison. [[Jokes.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">>[[Preach.|Preach 2]] <<else>>[[Preach.]] <</if>> \
Cops stole your remaining inventory! <strong>You die as Bad Business Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
But you're not funny! <strong>You die as No Jokes Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You have nothing to preach about! <strong>You die as Failed Preacher Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<strong>You tell mermaid about the benefits of $worship.</strong> They agree to convert and share the values of Colbytology with their family. <<set $colbytologists += 5>> \ <<include "colbytologists">> [[Set free.]] [[Cousins.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ "These bars no longer matter," the mermaid says. "As long as I hold true to the virtues of $worship, <strong>I am free.</strong>" Your heart swells with pride. <<linkreplace "...">>It doesn't stop swelling and it pops and you die. <strong>You die as Proudly Swollen-Hearted Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
Mermaid's cousins are interested in Colbytology too. "Why should we accept the core tenets of $worship?" they ask. [[Inner peace.]] [[Unstoppable power.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ You promise them inner peace if they accept $worship into their lives. <<linkreplace "...">>But they already get that from money. <strong>You die as Failed Missionary Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ You teach them that wishing upon $worship will give them unstoppable power. <<linkreplace "...">>They do this and instantly become buff. They squash you with their unstoppable power! <strong>You die as Not As Buff Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
Your new mustache is groovy! <strong>You immediately grow 20 years.</strong> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/seaweed.png"> [[Get married.|Marriage]] [[Run for monarchy.]]
You wrap it around your wrist. Your hand grows 20 years! Little baby, big hand. <strong>You die as Disproportionate Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Mermaids are electing their new king today. What campaign promises will you make? [[Soda machines.]] [[Casual Fridays.]]
Who do you want to marry? [[Nerd mermaid.]] [[Popular mermaid.]]
Mermaids have notoriously sensitive tummies! You lose to your poltival rival. <strong>You die as Political Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Casual Fridays mean Friday morning mullets! Mermaids look forward to the great hairdays. Polls have you in the lead, but reporters are investigating your history. <strong>Which political scandal will they uncover?</strong> [[Orphan Pigeon.]] [[Mistress.]]
Word breaks that you once promised to avenge Orphan Pigeon's father but skipped town instead! You lose the election. <strong>You die as Political Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Your competitors all have mistresses in their pasts, but you have none. Mermaids find this suspicious. [[Taco Tuesdays.]] [[Banana Wednesdays.]]
Mermaids forget about your scandal when you propose Taco Tuesday! <<linkreplace "...">><h2 class="loud">You win the election!</h2>You are now King of the Mermaids. [[Monument.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">>[[Colbytology.|Colbytology Mermaids]] <<else>>[[Festival.]] <</if>> <<if $awardMermaid === undefined>> \ <<set $awardMermaid = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ A Reasonable Merman </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
You promise Banana Wednesdays to distract from your scandal. <h2 class="shake">Mermaids hate bananas!!</h2> <strong>You die as Political Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You force mermaids to build a monument to yourself. They regret their decision to elect you and cover you in cement. You become a monument to regret. <strong>You die as Regretful King Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You declare Colbytology as the official religion of Atlantis. <<if $colbytologists < 100>> \ <<set $colbytologists += 65>> \ Some mermaids are converting! <<include "colbytologists">> <<else>> \ <<set $colbytologists += 250>> \ Mermaids are converting in droves! <<include "colbytologists">> <</if>> \ [[Festival.]] [[TikTok.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ You hold a festival to celebrate! <<linkreplace "...">><strong>You're assassinated.</strong> <strong>You die as Assassinated King Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
Time to start a royal TikTok! What will you do for your first TikTok? [[Dance.]] [[Lip sync.]]
You break your hip! <strong>You die as Lame TikToker King Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You're really bad at this. <strong>You die as Lame TikToker King Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mermflirt.png" id="reax"> Nerd mermaid takes off her glasses. <<linkreplace "...">> <h3 class="loud">She's beautiful!!</h3> \ How will you woo her? [[Shake hips.]] [[Lick lips.]] <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mermflirt2.png");<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
She hates you. Your heart breaks. <strong>You die as Mermaid Heartbroken Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
She finds your human hips strange! You break your spine because you didn't stretch before shaking those hips. <strong>You die as Broken Spine, Broken Heart Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
She licks her lips. <div class="shake" style="display: inline-block;"><em><strong>It's working!</strong></em></div> [[Kiss.]] [[Hold hands.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ You lean in. <<linkreplace "...">><strong>But you licked your lips too much!!</strong> They're dripping! She screams bloody murder and you're arrested for disturbing the peace. <strong>You die as Heartbroken Peace Killer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ You take her hand. <<linkreplace "...">><strong>But your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy!</strong> <<linkreplace "...">><strong><em>There's vomit on your sweater already, mom's spaghetti!</em></strong> She screams bloody murder and you're arrested for disturbing the peace. <strong>You die as Heartbroken Peace Killer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "atlantis" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
You grow a mullet, <div class="shake" style="display:inline-block;">but it tangles!</div> <strong>You die as Bad Mullet Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You were only cool at prom, but not outside of prom. You buy followers for your Instagram account. Cool kids expose you. <strong>You die as Exposed Influencer Principal Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<set _kids = random(55, 200)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _kids>> \ You declare Colbytology as super cool. <<print _kids>> elementary kids convert! <<include "colbytologists">> [[Influencer life.]] [[Make mullets cool again.]]
He sticks ear pick too far into ear! Blood everywhere! You drown in a fountain of blood. <strong>You die as Bloody School Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You teach the principal that salvation can only be achieved by embracing $worship. <<linkreplace "...">>He's convinced. <<set $colbytologists += 5>> \ <<include "colbytologists">> <<linkreplace "...">>But you still have detention. <strong>You die as Forever Detentioned Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
You slide a turtle across the table. You are damned to eternal detention. <strong>You die as Detention Soul Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Something is dabbing in the garden. What is it? <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/dab.png"> [[Grandpa.]] [[Chupacabra.|Chupacabra Real]]
There is nothing dabbing in the garden. It is empty here. [[Contemplate.]] [[Pontificate.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catniss.png" class="shake"> She blocked them in a flash! She seems agitated. [[More small pebbles.]] [[Slightly larger pebbles.]]
Pancakes make her stronger! You're shot in the eye! <strong>You die as Catniss Slaughterdeened Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catniss.png" class="shake"> That did nothing, <em>you fool!</em> You're shot in the eye! <strong>You die as Catniss Slaughterdeened Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx shake"> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catniss.png"> She's too fast! It has no effect! <h2>She's prepping an arrow!</h2> \ [[Boulders.]] [[Small pebbles again.]] </div> \
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/catniss.png" class="shake"> <strong><em>It's no use!</em></strong> The boulders defy physics and move through the air slowly because they're so big! You're shot in the eye! <strong>You die as Catniss Slaughterdeened Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You get her right in the eye! Her brain explodes! Pigeons will obey your every command. [[Krispy Kreme.]] <<if $colbytology is "true">>[[Colbytology.|Colbytology Pigeons]] <<else>>[[Moon.]] <</if>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You open seven Krispy Kreme franchises and hire pigeons as staff workers. <<linkreplace "...">><h2 class="shake">Donuts give pigeons diarrhea!!</h2> \ It gets all over you and you develop diseases. <strong>You die as Krispy Kreamy Crappy Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<set _converts = random(35, 75)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _converts>> \ You declare Colbytology upon all the pigeons. <<print _converts>> pigeons convert! They become enamored with the idea of $worship. <<include "colbytologists">> <<linkreplace "...">>Pigeons become so excited thinking about $worship, they lose control of their bowels and <div class="shake" style="display:inline-block;">poop all over you!</div> <strong>You die as Poopy Pigeon Lord Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>>
You order pigeons to fly you to the moon. You forget a spacesuit. <strong>You die as Dimwit Space Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx"> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ You contemplate upon the miracle of $worship. <<else>> \ You contemplate upon the existence of chupacabras. <</if>> \ <<linkreplace "...">>OH NO YOU WERE SITTING ON AN ANT PILE! <strong>You die as Thoughtful Bug Bite Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$(".fx").addClass( "loud" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> </div> \
<div class="fx"> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ You pontificate about the miracle of $worship. <<else>> \ You pontificate about the existence of chupacabras. <</if>> \ <<linkreplace "...">>OH NO YOU WERE PONTIFICATING ON AN ANT PILE! <strong>You die as Pontificate Bug Bite Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$(".fx").addClass( "loud" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \ </div> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <div class="loud" style="display:inline-block;">"<strong><em>Grandpa!</em></strong>" You gasp.</div> "I'm sorry, champ," he says. "But your grandmother can't know." <<linkreplace "...">>He buries you deep beneath the flowers. <<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ He says a prayer over your grave. "Praise be to $worship. Bless Colby's soul. Amen." <<else>> \ <</if>> \ <strong>You die as Grandpa's Least Favorite.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<h2 class="shake">It's the chupacabra!</h2><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/chupa.png"> [[Capture.]] [[Eat.|Eat Chupacabra]] <<if $awardChupa === undefined>> \ <<set $awardChupa = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Van Chupasing </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
You set traps! [[Bait.]] [[Camouflage.]]
You nibble its ear. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/chupaear.png"> It tastes like goat cheese! [[Eat more.|Chupcabra Eat 2]] [[Stop eating.|Chupcabra Eat 2]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You've made Chupacabra angry! <<linkreplace "...">><h1 class="shake">It has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do!</h1> It kicks a hole in your chest. <strong>You die as Chupa Cobra Kai Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
You lay bacon bits around trap when you realize that the chupacabra isn't real. It was just a story your grandfather used to tell you as a young boy. <em>Remember, Colby, chupacabras only eat goats.</em> You have an over-active imagination. <<linkreplace "...">>Dad's packing the car. Your family's going on a trip! What will you take on the trip? [[Play-Doh.]] [[Bacon bits.]] <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You cover trap in leaves. <<linkreplace "...">>You forget where the trap is. <<linkreplace "...">>(<em>You can probably guess where this is going.</em>) <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent shake" style="display:inline-block;">Mother steps in trap!</div> <<linkreplace "...">>Chupacabra wiggles its toes. <div class="shake" style="display:inline-block;"><strong>MOTHER TURNS INTO A GOAT!</strong></div> <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent shake" style="display:inline-block;"><strong>Chupacabra eats mother!</strong></div> You are grounded for the rest of the summer. <strong>You die as Grounded Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
You want to eat Play-Doh but don't. <<linkreplace "...">>"We're here!" Dad says. You see a sign: <div style="text-align:center;">Welcome to<div class="urgent">Arbacapuhc</div></div> [[Airbnb.]] [[General store.]] <</linkreplace>>
You pick the bacon bits off the ground. <h2>You step in trap!</h2><em>The bait worked!</em> <strong>You die as Self-Caught Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Your family settles into your Airbnb. <<linkreplace "...">>Time for dinner! <<linkreplace "...">>You see Grandpa in the window! He wants to speak to you. <<linkreplace "...">>"Don't let your family eat, Colby!<<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> For the love of $worship, don't let them eat!<</if>>" he says. "If they eat, they'll turn into goats!" How will you stop them? [[Urinate on food.|Chupa airbnb 2]] [[Food fight.|Chupa airbnb 2]] <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
"Welcome to Arbacapuhc General Store!" crazy-eyed storekeeper says. "We got great milk!" [[Milk.]] [[Coffee.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "chupa" )<</script>> \ You drink milk. <<linkreplace "...">><div class="shake" style="display:inline-block;"><strong>You turn into a goat!</strong></div> <<linkreplace "...">><div class="shake urgent" style="display:inline-block;">Storekeeper is a chupacabra!</div> He eats you! <strong>You die as Chupacabra Supper Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "chupa" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<div class="shake"> \ <span class="urgent"><em>There's no coffee in Arbacapuhc, it's the devil's drink!</em></span> </div> \ [[Eggs.|General Store 2]] [[Bacon.|General Store 2]]
"Are you crazy, boy?" storekeeper says. "We only eat goat-based products here in Arbacapuhc! Didn't you know that?" <<linkreplace "...">>He hands you milk. "Here's some Arbacapuhc milk. Speshul goat milk, high in vitamin content. Here. It's free." [[Milk.]] <</linkreplace>> \
Your father is very upset about this! He throws you into your bedroom and locks the door. [[Escape.]] [[Apologize.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "chupa" )<</script>> \ <div class="fx"> \ You jump out the window and land in your family's car! As you drive away, you look in the rearview mirror and see the <strong>Welcome to Arbacapuhc</strong> sign. <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent" style="display:inline-block;">Arbacapuhc! <em>It's CHUPACABRA SPELLED BACKWARDS!</em></div> This is their kingdom! <<script>>$(".fx").addClass( "loud" )<</script>> \ <<linkreplace "...">>Chupacabras fly through the windows and force milk down your throat! You turn into a goat! <<script>>$(".fx").removeClass( "loud" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$(".fx").addClass( "shake" )<</script>> \ <<linkreplace "...">>They eat you! <strong>You die as Chupacabra Supper Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "chupa" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$(".fx").removeClass( "shake" )<</script>> \ <<if $awardArba === undefined>> \ <<set $awardArba = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Chupacabra Spelled Backwards! </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \ </div>
Your father wants you to prove you're sorry by eating a scone. [[Scone.]] [[Escape.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "chupa" )<</script>> \ You eat scone. <<linkreplace "...">><div class="shake" style="display:inline-block;"><strong>You turn into a goat!</strong></div> <<linkreplace "...">><div class="shake urgent" style="display:inline-block;">Chupacabras fly through the windows!</div> They eat you! <strong>You die as Chupacabra Supper Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "chupa" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<<set $colbytologists = 1>> \ <<set $colbytologyLv1 = "false">> \ <<set $colbytologyLv2 = "false">> \ <<set $colbytologyLv3 = "false">> \ <<unset $colbytologyclock>> \ <<set $colbytologykill = "false">> \ <<unset $awardColbytology100>> \ <<unset $awardColbytology10K>> \ <<unset $awardColbytology1M>> \ <<set $awards -= 3>> \ RESET! [[Play.]]
A respectable field of study. [[Special project.]] [[Drop out.]]
Career opportunities in the meme industry are booming these days! Which class will you take first? [[History of memes.]] [[Meme theory.]]
You learn many things. <<if $colbytologyclock is 1>> \ [[Study in library.|Orphan Pigeon Story 3]] <<else>> \ [[Study in library.]] <</if>> \ [[House party.]]
Professor Numa Numa Guy wants you to create your own meme. "A meme can be anything, from Overly Attached Girlfriend to My Money Don't Jiggle Jiggle<<if $colbytology2 is "true">> and even Colbytology, in a way<</if>>," he says astutely. <<linkreplace "Begin creating meme.">><strong>Type a singular noun.</strong> <<textbox '$memenoun' '' autofocus>> [[Continue.|Meme Text 1]] <</linkreplace>>
Shh! No talking in here. <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">> \ <strong>There are lots of books on Colbytology.</strong> <</if>> \ [[Prepare for exam.]] [[Check out book.]]
The people here are <em>soooo</em> cool! But you are not. What will you do to become cool? [[Puppy.]] [[Break dance.]]
You order a puppy from DoorDash. Everyone wants to be your friend now! What will you do with the puppy? [[Snack pack.]] [[Give to crush.]]
Dance is now broken! People can't dance anymore because you broke dance. Partygoers are bored. They beat you in their boredom. <strong>You die as Not Cool Break Dancer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Snack pack gives puppy some sweet basketball skills. [[College basketball.]] [[Movie acting.|Paw School Musical.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "college" )<</script>> \ You give the puppy to the cute girl in the corner. <<linkreplace "...">>She's allergic! <strong>You die as Embarrassed Cool Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "college" )<</script>> \ Puppy joins the college basketball team! The opposing team is not happy about this. <<linkreplace "...">>"Ain't no rule that says a dog can't play basketball!" NCAA official says. <<linkreplace "...">>Opposing team suddenly has evil look in their eyes. <<linkreplace "...">>They replace their star player with a dog! <<linkreplace "...">><div class="urgent shake" style="display:inline-block;">It's Snarls Borkley!</div> Puppy stands no chance. It turns on you and shreds you to pieces. <strong>You die as Failed Basketball Coach Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
Hollywood producers want the puppy to be the star of their new made-for-TV movie: Paw School Musical! Vanessa Hudgens is co-starring as the love interest. <<linkreplace "...">>Time to negotiate a contract. You need enough moneys to pay off your student loans. What will you leverage? [[Puppy's good looks.]] [[Puppy's boyish charm.]] <</linkreplace>> \
It doesn't work! There's already a puppy with better looks in the industry: <strong>Mutt Damon.</strong> Producers hire Mutt Damon instead. Puppy turns on you and gives you fleas. <strong>You die as Flea-Infested Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Producers like his spunk! They will offer you 1,000,000 Milk-Bones. [[Convert to dollars.]] [[Eat.|Eat Milk Bones]]
They are worthless. You drown in student loans. <strong>You die as No Money College Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
It makes you sick and you die. Puppy holds a funeral for you. "<<if $colbytology2 is "true">>Oh holy $worship, b<<else>>B<</if>>less his soul!" <strong>You die as Puppy Snacks Colby</strong> [[Play again?]]
<<if $memeverb is "">> \ You must enter something to complete the assignment. [[Try again.|Meme Text 2]] <<elseif $memeverb is " ">> \ You must enter something to complete the assignment. [[Try again.|Meme Text 2]] <<else>> \ <<set _set1 = random(1, 3)>> \ <<set _set2 = random(1, 3)>> \ <<set _set3 = random(1, 3)>> \ <<set _set4 = random(1, 3)>> \ <strong>Which meme phrase do you prefer?</strong> <<if _set1 == 1>>[["When you step on a " + $memenoun + "."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When you step on a $memenoun."]] <<elseif _set1 == 2>> \ [["When she calls you " + $memeadj + " " + $memenoun + "."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When she calls you $memeadj $memenoun."]] <<elseif _set1 == 3>> \ [['When ur daughter says "Pass the ' + $memenoun + ', Daddy," and both you and her boyfriend reach for it.'|Meme Image][$memephrase to 'When ur daughter says "Pass the $memenoun, Daddy," and both you and her boyfriend reach for it.']] <</if>> \ \ <<if _set2 == 1>>[["When your butt is super itchy but you have to " + $memeverb + "."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When your butt is super itchy but you have to $memeverb."]] <<elseif _set2 == 2>> \ [['When you text her, "Good morning, lil ' + $memenoun + '," and she replies, "Thanks, buddy."'|Meme Image][$memephrase to 'When you text her, "Good morning, lil $memenoun," and she replies, "Thanks, buddy."']] <<elseif _set2 == 3>> \ [["When your new friend asks if you've always been " + $memeadj + "."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When your new friend asks if you've always been $memeadj."]] <</if>> \ \ <<if _set3 == 1>>[["When you're the new kid at school and they ask if you like " + $memenoun + "."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When you're the new kid at school and they ask if you like $memenoun."]] <<elseif _set3 == 2>> \ [['When your mate hangs a sign that says, "live, laugh, ' + $memeverb + '" above their bed.'|Meme Image][$memephrase to 'When your mate hangs a sign that says, "live, laugh, $memeverb" above their bed.']] <<elseif _set3 == 3>> \ [["When you open a bag of chips and realize you're " + $memeadj + " af."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When you open a bag of chips and realize you're $memeadj af."]] <</if>> \ \ <<if _set4 == 1>>[["When you wake up hungover af and realize you texted your ex 27 " + $memenoun + " emojis at 2:46 a.m."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When you wake up hungover af and realize you texted your ex 27 $memenoun emojis at 2:46 a.m."]] <<elseif _set4 == 2>> \ [['When u take off ur shirt at the beach and someone yells, "Wow so ' + $memeadj + '!"'|Meme Image][$memephrase to 'When u take off ur shirt at the beach and someone yells, "Wow so $memeadj!"']] <<elseif _set4 == 3>> \ [["When you suddenly remember how sad you were before learning how to " + $memeverb + "."|Meme Image][$memephrase to "When you suddenly remember how sad you were before learning how to $memeverb."]] <</if>> \ \ <</if>>
<<if $memenoun is "">> \ You must enter something to complete the assignment. [[Try again.|Meme theory.]] <<elseif $memenoun is " ">> \ You must enter something to complete the assignment. [[Try again.|Meme theory.]] <<else>> \ <strong>Type an adjective.</strong> <<textbox '$memeadj' '' autofocus>> [[Continue.|Meme Text 2]] <</if>> \
<<set _set1 = random(1, 4)>> \ <<set _set2 = random(1, 4)>> \ <<set _set3 = random(1, 4)>> \ <<set _set4 = random(1, 4)>> \ <strong>Select an image for your meme.</strong> <div style="text-align:center;"><em>$memephrase</em></div> <<if _set1 == 1>>[[Surprised girl.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme1"]] <<elseif _set1 == 2>> \ [[Scandal.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme2"]] <<elseif _set1 == 3>> \ [[Banana threat.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme3"]] <<elseif _set1 == 4>> \ [[Angry cat.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme4"]] <</if>> \ \ <<if _set2 == 1>>[[Dramatic woman.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme5"]] <<elseif _set2 == 2>> \ [[Concerned man.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme6"]] <<elseif _set2 == 3>> \ [[Creepy smirk.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme7"]] <<elseif _set2 == 4>> \ [[Laundromat legs.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme8"]] <</if>> \ \ <<if _set3 == 1>>[[On fleek.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme9"]] <<elseif _set3 == 2>> \ [[Feeling sexy.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme10"]] <<elseif _set3 == 3>> \ [[Scared opossum.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme11"]] <<elseif _set3 == 4>> \ [[Licking lips.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme12"]] <</if>> \ \ <<if _set4 == 1>>[[Feeling exposed.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme13"]] <<elseif _set4 == 2>> \ [[Shocked lemur.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme14"]] <<elseif _set4 == 3>> \ [[Dramatic clown.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme15"]] <<elseif _set4 == 4>> \ [[Super happy.|Meme Create][$memeimg to "meme16"]] <</if>> \ \
<<if $memeadj is "">> \ You must enter something to complete the assignment. [[Try again.|Meme Text 1]] <<elseif $memeadj is " ">> \ You must enter something to complete the assignment. [[Try again.|Meme Text 1]] <<else>> \ <strong>Type a verb.</strong> <<textbox '$memeverb' '' autofocus>> [[Continue.|Meme Text 3]] <</if>> \
Here's your meme! <div class="memeframe"><<print '<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/site/images/memes/' + $memeimg + '.jpg">'>><h2>$memephrase</h2></div> [[Turn in to professor.]] [[Try again.|Meme Text 3]] <<if $awardMeme === undefined>> \ <<set $awardMeme = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ I Like Memes </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
He doesn't like it. <strong>You die as Not A Meme Lord Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You study all night. Time for your exam! <<linkreplace "Question 1.">>Which meme is most important to history? [[Surprised pikachu.]] [[Nyan cat.]] <</linkreplace>> \
Book has dust mites! They party inside your lungs. You die. <strong>You die as Dust Mite Lungs Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<em>Nope!</em> Sorry, that's the second-most important meme in history. <strong>You die as College Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Correct. <<linkreplace "Question 2.">>Which meme is responsible for the Hamster Revolution of 1779? [[Hamtaro eating boba.]] [[None of the above.]] <</linkreplace>> \
<em>Trick question!</em> There never was a Hamster Revolution of 1779. <strong>You die as College Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
That is correct. There never was a Hamster Revolution of 1779. <<linkreplace "Question 3.">>True or false? Meme culture is yet to be fully appreciated. [[True.]] [[False.]] <</linkreplace>> \
Excellent! It's true that we have yet to see memes fully appreciated. But the day is nigh... the day is nigh... <<linkreplace "Final Question.">>In your opinion, what is the best way to help memes reach their full potential? [[Reddit.|Exam Fail]] [[Instagram.|Exam Fail]] <</linkreplace>> \
<em>Not so!</em> There are far too many who still discount memes. <strong>You die as College Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<em>How dare you?</em> You failed to cite your sources! <strong>You die as College Failure Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
Professor wants you to help him with his special project. <<if ($timetravel is "true") and ($colbytologyclock is 2)>> \ "Coo coo," Professor says. <</if>> \ But first you must prove your intelligence. [[Accept.]] [[Decline.]]
College isn't for you. What now? [[Sonic.]] [[YouTube.]]
You are now working at Sonic. Someone throws a slushy in your face. You get a brain freeze and you die. <strong>You die as Brain Freeze College Drop Out Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You're going to be a YouTuber! Your niche is <strong>dropping out of school</strong>. [[How to.]] [[Reaction vid.|Next video.]]
You post video: <strong>How to Drop Out of School (Step by Step)</strong>. <<linkreplace "You got a comment!">><div style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.9); color: #000000; border-radius: 10px; padding: 10px; width: 80%; margin: auto auto; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; box-shadow: 5px 5px 20px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.3); "> \ <strong style="color: #000000;">jo_Xottick</strong> <span style="color:#606060; font-size: 12px;">10s ago</span> Are you single? what's your relationship status? </div> \ [[Moderate.]] [[Next video.]] <</linkreplace>>
You shut down comments on this video. You lose subscribers. <strong>You die as No Subscribers College Dropout Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You post video: <strong>I surprise parents by telling them I'm dropping out (REAL REACTION)</strong>. <<linkreplace "You got a comment!">><div style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.9); color: #000000; border-radius: 10px; padding: 10px; width: 80%; margin: auto auto; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; box-shadow: 5px 5px 20px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.3); "> \ <strong style="color: #000000;">the_fast_and_the_furryest</strong> <span style="color:#606060; font-size: 12px;">12s ago</span> Fake. These are actors. </div> \ They figured out your secret! [[Apology.|YouTube Apology]] [[Ignore.]] <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <em>*Deep sigh*</em> <<linkreplace "You start recording...">>I don't even know how to start this. <<linkreplace "...">>All right, guys. I don't want to take up too much of your time. <<linkreplace "...">>I just want to start by saying that I love my fans. All three of my subscribers. Thank you so much. You've made everything possible. <<linkreplace "...">>It's come to my attention that some people are saying the people in my reaction vids are paid actors. <<linkreplace "...">>I just want to say that I never said the people in the video were real, only the reactions were real. <<linkreplace "...">>But I still want to say sorry to all the fans who have believed in me and who have bought my merch. <<linkreplace "...">>There's a sale in my merch store happening right now. 10% off if you use the code APOLOGYTOUR. <<linkreplace "...">>But I just also want to say that I was going through a lot in my life. I've been very open with the troubles in my life on my channel. <<linkreplace "...">><em>*Fake tears*</em> <<linkreplace "...">>I just want to say that I suffer from imposter syndrome sometimes too. <<linkreplace "...">>From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. Please forgive me. <<linkreplace "...">><h2>They don't.</h2> <strong>You die as Cancelled College Drop Out Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
People call you fake news. <strong>You die as Fake News College Drop Out Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<div class="fx"> \ <div class="loud" style="display:inline-block;"><strong>You must beat professor at Tic Tac Toe!</strong></div> <div class="ttt-grid"> <div id="row-1-1" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-1-2" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-1-3" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-2-1" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-2-2" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-2-3" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-3-1" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-3-2" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> <div id="row-3-3" class="ttt-tile ttt-free"></div> </div> <div id="ttwin"> \ <<if ($timetravel is "true") and ($colbytologyclock is 2)>> \ [[Coo coo.|Orphan Pigeon Story 4]] <<elseif $awardTime is "true">> \ [[Continue.|Tic Tac Win No Time]] <<else>> \ [[Continue.|Tic Tac Win]] <</if>> \ </div> \ <div id="ttlose">[[Continue.|Tic Tac Fail]]</div> \ <h2 id="ttdraw" class="shake" style="text-align: center;">It's a draw! Try again.</h2> \ </div> \ <<include "ttscript">> \
Professor fails you in class. [[New degree.]] [[House party.]]
What will you study? [[iCarly]] [[Memes.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "college" )<</script>> \ You've been accepted into the college's Program of iCarly Studies. <<linkreplace "...">>Unfortunately, your college is Trump University. <strong>You die as Trumped College Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<h2>You win!</h2>Professor reveals<<linkreplace "...">>... <h1 class="loud">A pocket time machine!</h1> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/timemachine.png"> "This is my bestest invention," they say. "I have reason to believe that this is the <em>only</em> timeline in which I create such a device. I need someone to test drive it for me." [[Accept time machine.]] [[Sell to Apple.]] <</linkreplace>>
<div class="fx hurt"> \ <span class="urgent">You lose.</span> Professor is skittish. <em>You already know too much!</em> They throw you out the window. <strong>You die as Tic Tac Toe Loser Colby.</strong> <em>Too bad. You almost unlocked something powerful...</em> [[Play again?]] </div> \
<h2>How to use Pocket Time Machine.</h2>The Pocket Time Machine gives you the power to move backwards and forwards in time! Use the <strong>Undo</strong> and <strong>Redo</strong> buttons in the bottom menu to navigate through past choices. The Redo button will only work if you've not made any changes to the timeline you're exploring. <<linkreplace "...">>Let's give it a spin! [[Take me to some time.|Explore.]] <<if $awardTime === undefined>> \ <<set $awardTime = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ 1.21 Gigawatts!?! </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>> <<set $timetravel = "true">> \
Professor gets crazy look in eye. They throw you out the window! <strong>You die as Not a Time Traveler Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<h2 class="loud">It's Orphan Pigeon!</h2>They followed you into this timeline! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonstory.png"> "You betrayed me coo coo. Now <em><strong>I</strong></em> will avenge my father." <<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">> \ <strong>Orphan pigeon has grown very strong!</strong> "But I am still not ready yet coo coo," they say. <<else>> \ Orphan Pigeon is still weak... <strong>but they grow stronger.</strong> <</if>> \ <<else>> \ But Orphan Pigeon is weak. <</if>> \ [[Return to house.|Explore.]]
Orphan pigeon isn't here! They've left a note on this fine stationary: <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pigeonnote1.png"> <strong>Colbytology numbers are dwindling at an alarming speed!</strong> <<include "colbytologists">> You must find Orphan Pigeon and stop them. [[Return to house.|Explore.]] <<set $colbytologyclock = 1>> \ <<set $colbytologykill = "true">> \
<<script>>$("body").addClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ Orphan Pigeon is studying in the library! <<linkreplace "...">>"How I've enjoyed murdering Colbytologists since our last meeting," Orphan Pigeon says. "But I still have more work to do coo coo." <<linkreplace "...">>Orphan Pigeon flies away! <<linkreplace "Read book.">><strong>Orphan pigeon was reading about time travel!</strong> \ <<linkreplace "Turn page.">><h2 class="shake">A PIGEON POOP BOMB WAS EMBEDDED IN THE BOOK!</h2>It splatters all over you and hardens over your nostrils. You suffocate and die. <strong>You die as Orphan Pigeon Poop Bombed Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<set $colbytologyclock = 2>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<div class="fx"> \ <h2 class="loud">Orphan Pigeon is Professor!</h2><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonprof.png"> "I killed your professor and learned all about the Pocket Time Machine," Orphan Pigeon says. "Unfortunately, the Pocket Time Machine was given away in a different timeline <<linkreplace "...">>... to <em><strong>you</strong></em>." [[Run.|Orphan Pigeon Story 5]] [[Flee.|Orphan Pigeon Story 5]] [[Gotta go fast.|Orphan Pigeon Story 5]] <<script>>$(".fx").addClass( "shake" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> </div> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <strong>Orphan Pigeon is too fast!</strong> They take the Pocket Time Machine! <<linkreplace "...">>"Now I can go back to the timeline where <strong>Catniss Slaughterdeen the Wise</strong> killed my father and unorphan myself coo coo!" They zap you with time powers! You return to birth by dying! <strong>You die as Time Reversed Unborn Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<set $colbytologyclock = 3>> \ <<set $timetravel = "false">> \ <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <h2 class="loud">Orphan Pigeon gets to Catniss Slaughterdeen first!</h2><em>They are drunk with power!</em> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeondrunk.png" class="shake"> "And now in my <strong>final act of vengeance</strong>, I shall learn how you created Colbytology. I will harness the power you used to create your religion and wipe you out of <div class="shake" style="display:inline-block;"><strong>EVERY SINGLE TIMELINE!</strong></div> You'll have never existed! <em>Coo coo!!</em>" <<linkreplace "...">>You are destroyed. <strong>You die as Orphan Pigeon Revenged Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "flash" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<set $colbytologyclock = 4>> \ <</linkreplace>>
You find plane tickets on the table! Where will you go? [[Tonga.|Orphan Pigeon Story 7]] [[Bolivia.]]
It's stormy here! There's a cyclone in the water. [[Cyclone.]] [[Sea turtles.]]
<div class="fx sway"> \ <h2>Orphan Pigeon is flapping their wings to create a cyclone!</h2><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeoncyclone.png"> <em>Mermaids are flying into the air!</em> <<linkreplace "...">>"So you used Mermaid Magic to create Colbytology," Orphan Pigeon says. <<linkreplace "Stop them.">>[[Coo.]] [[Coo.]] [[Coo.]] [[Coo.]] [[Coo.]] <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \ </div> \
<h2 class="loud"><em>It's no use!</em></h2>Orphan Pigeon uses Mermaid Magic to erase you from existence! <strong>You die as No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
You are born in nothingness. You are No One. [[Explore.|Explore Nothing]] [[Vomit.|Vomit Nothing]]
There is nothing to explore. [[Garden.|Garden Nothing]] [[Knives.|Knives Nothing]]
You have no mouth to vomit. There is no grandma to be angry. [[Hide.|Hide Nothing]] [[Eat nothing.|Eat Nothing]]
There is no where to hide. You slip into further nothingness. <strong>You die as Absolutely No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
You eat nothing. There is nothing. You are no one. [[Explore.|Explore Nothing]] [[Sing.]]
There is nothing to sing. <strong>You die as Songless No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
There is no garden to explore. There is nothing to dab in the garden that doesn't exist. [[Gnome.|Gnome Nothing]] [[Chupacabra.|Chupacabra Nothing]]
There are no knives. <div id="reax" style="font-style: italic; display: inline-block;">There is nothing.</div> <<linkreplace "Remember.">>Even in this nothingness, you still have memories. What do you remember? [[Cook.|Cook Nothing]] [[Kill.|Kill Nothing]] <<script>>$("#reax").text("WAIT—there is something!");<</script>> <</linkreplace>> \
There is no gnome. There is no garden. There is no you. <strong>You die as No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
There is no chupacabra. There is no garden. There is no you. <strong>You die as No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
The memory fades... There is nothing to cook. <strong>You die as No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
<em>You feel tingling in your non-existent fingers. It's almost as if you could reach into a different dimension and grasp...</em> <<linkreplace "...">>... knives. [[Slash.|Slash Nothing]] [[Mock.|Mock Nothing]] <</linkreplace>>
<div id="reax" style="font-style: italic; display: inline-block;">You slash nothing into nothingness. </div> \ <<linkreplace "Remember.">><div class="loud"><h2><em>You slash Orphan Pigeon!</em></h2><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/orphanslash.png" class="shake"> <strong>You emerge into the world from nothingness.</strong> "<em>H-How?!</em>" Orphan Pigeon coos. [[The power of memory.|Orphan Pigeon Story 8][$orphanreason to "memory"]] [[The power of love.|Orphan Pigeon Story 8][$orphanreason to "love"]] </div> \ <<script>>$("#reax").text("You slash into—SOMETHING!");<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "noone" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "flash" )<</script>> \ <<if $awardOpigeonend === undefined>> \ <<set $awardOpigeonend = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div id="notifmove" class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ Misfortune Loves Orphans </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
The memory fades... There are no knives. <strong>You die as No One.</strong> [[Play again?|No One.]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonad.png"> <<if $orphanreason is "memory">> \ You explain that your memories are too powerful to be erased from existence. They anchor you to reality. <<elseif $orphanreason is "love">> \ You explain that your love for killing pigeons is too powerful to be erased from existence. It anchors you to reality. <</if>> \ "You understand more than me," Orphan Pigeon says. "But I am too filled with rage to simply move on." <<linkreplace "Give advice.">><strong>What advice do you give Orphan Pigeon?</strong> <<textbox '$pigeonadvice' '' autofocus>> [[Give advice.]] <</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<if $pigeonadvice is "">> \ You must offer advice to Orphan Pigeon! [[Try again.|Orphan Pigeon Story 8]] <<elseif $pigeonadvice is " ">> \ You must offer advice to Orphan Pigeon! [[Try again.|Orphan Pigeon Story 8]] <<else>> \ <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonad2.png" id="reax"> "I understand," Orphan pigeon coos. <<linkreplace "...">>"<em>$pigeonadvice</em>—it's so simple! Why couldn't I see it before?"<<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonad3.png");<</script>> <<linkreplace "...">>Orphan Pigeon thanks you. "I promise I will take this to heart. The next time we meet, all will be forgiven."<<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonad4.png");<</script>> <<linkreplace "...">><strong>Orphan Pigeon flies away.</strong><<script>>$("#reax").remove();<</script>> <<linkreplace "...">>They accidentally lay an egg on your head in their excitement. <<linkreplace "...">><strong>You die as Pigeon Egged Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "opigeon" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<set $colbytologyclock = 5>> \ <<set $colbytologykill = "false">> \ <<set $timetravel = "true">> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \ <</if>> \
<strong>It's Orphan Pigeon, but they're old!</strong> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeonold.png"> "My dear boy," Orphan Pigeon coos. "I never forgot: <em>$pigeonadvice!!</em> "I returned to my birth and relived my life without anger and vengeance." <<linkreplace "...">><strong>Orphan Pigeon returns Pocket Time Machine!</strong> "I no longer have need of this. The time for my rest is coming soon. But I have learned many things. I have something I wish to tell you." <<linkreplace "Tell me.">>I have discovered the <strong>Golden Timeline.</strong> It is a timeline where everything happens as it should. I will endow you with the power to find the Golden Timeline." <<linkreplace "Endow me.">><<if $awards >= 27>>Orphan Pigeon recites the magic words.<h2>"Oh holy $worship, endow Colby with the power to find the Golden Timeline!"</h2> [[Golden timeline.]] <<else>> \ "Oh dear! You are not experienced enough to be endowed with this power. <strong>Return here when you've experience more coo coo</strong>." [[Return to house.|Explore.]] <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<strong>You are given the power to find the Golden Timeline!</strong> "Use it wisely," Orphan Pigeon says. "Coo coo. Goodbye, friend." <<linkreplace "...">><img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/opigeondead.png"> Orphan Pigeon drops dead. [[Return to house.|Explore.]] <<if $awardGoldtime === undefined>> \ <<set $awardGoldtime = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ The Golden Timeline </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</linkreplace>> <<set $colbytologyclock = 6>> \ <<set $goldentimeline = "true">> \
You sleep peacefully in your crib. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/crib.png"> You are safe. [[Garden.|Dead Gold]] <span class="golden">[[Knives.|Raise.]]</span>
You've strayed from the Golden Timeline. Misery befalls you. <strong>You die as Miserable Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
You use knives to cut twigs from trees. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/nest.png"> You build nests for pigeons. <span class="golden">[[Salad.|Salad Gold]]</span> [[Stew.|Dead Gold]]
You eat your veggies and grow to become a fine young lad. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/age.png"> <span class="golden">[[School.|School Gold]]</span> [[Bank.|Dead Gold]]
You go to school and make normal friends that aren't made from mud. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/friends.png" class="shake"> [[School nurse.|Dead Gold]] <span class="golden">[[Pretty girl.|Girl Gold]]</span>
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/girlgold1.png" id="reax"> You hit it off with a pretty girl. <<linkreplace "...">>Her father is the principal.<<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/girlgold2.png");<</script>> <<linkreplace "...">>She's his natural daughter. He has clean ears. <span class="golden">[[College.|College Gold]]</span> [[Blackmail principal.|Dead Gold]] <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/girlgold3.png");<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
Principal tutors you and you get really good grades. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/collegegold.png"> You instantly age 10 years and go to college. You study UFOs and discover the key to time travel. You become super rich. [[Switch major to memes.|Dead Gold]] <span class="golden">[[Atlantis.|Atlantis Gold]]</span>
You use your money and time powers to discover the Lost City of Atlantis. You are a world hero. [[Start cult.|Dead Gold]] <span class="golden">[[Orphanage.|Orphanage]]</span>
You grow old and wise. <strong>What do you do in your old age?</strong> <span class="golden">[[Orphan Pigeon.|Pigeon Gold]]</span> <span class="golden">[[Garden.|Garden Gold]]</span>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "goldtime" )<</script>> \ Many years later, you return to the spot where Orphan Pigeon died. You chuckle to yourself and shake your head. "<em>$pigeonadvice.</em>" It is peaceful. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oldcolby.png" id="reax"> <<linkreplace "...">>You close your eyes... <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oldcolby2.png");<</script>> <<linkreplace "...">>... and die. <strong>You die as Colby.</strong> [[The end.]] <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oldcolby3.png");<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "goldtime" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "goldtime" )<</script>> \ Many years later, you return to your childhood garden. There is nothing dabbing here. It is peaceful. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oldcolby.png" id="reax"> <<linkreplace "...">>You close your eyes... <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oldcolby2.png");<</script>> <<linkreplace "...">>... and die. <strong>You die as Colby.</strong> [[The end.]] <<script>>$("#reax").attr("src", "https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oldcolby3.png");<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "goldtime" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<div class="the-end"></div> <<link "Play again?">><<goto "Play again?">><<goto Start>><</link>> <<set $goldentimeline = "false">> \ <<set $orphanpidgeon = "false">> \ <<unset $colbytologyclock>> \ <<if $awardTheend === undefined>> \ <<set $awardTheend = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ The End </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \
You don't start a cult. You establish the first private pigeon orphanage in New York City. <<linkreplace "...">>You help raise hundreds of pigeons. <<linkreplace "...">>You get to see them growing up. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pigeonorphans.png"> <span class="golden">[[Age.|Old Gold]]</span> [[Tonga.|Dead Gold]] <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<<script>> const winningCombinations = [ ['row-1-1', 'row-1-2', 'row-1-3'], // Top row ['row-2-1', 'row-2-2', 'row-2-3'], // Middle row ['row-3-1', 'row-3-2', 'row-3-3'], // Bottom row ['row-1-1', 'row-2-1', 'row-3-1'], // Left column ['row-1-2', 'row-2-2', 'row-3-2'], // Middle column ['row-1-3', 'row-2-3', 'row-3-3'], // Right column ['row-1-1', 'row-2-2', 'row-3-3'], // Diagonal from top-left ['row-1-3', 'row-2-2', 'row-3-1'] // Diagonal from top-right ]; // Global variable to determine the starting turn. true for player, false for computer. let playerFirstTurn = true; function checkForTie() { const tiles = document.querySelectorAll('.ttt-tile'); let allClicked = true; tiles.forEach(tile => { if (tile.classList.contains('ttt-free')) { allClicked = false; } }); if (allClicked && !checkWin('ttt-o') && !checkWin('ttt-x')) { // GAME IS TIED / DRAW $('#ttdraw').show(); setTimeout(function(){ $("#ttdraw").fadeOut(); },3000); // Reset the board tiles.forEach(tile => { tile.classList.remove('ttt-o', 'ttt-x'); tile.classList.add('ttt-free'); tile.textContent = ''; // Clear any text or symbols }); // Switch who starts next playerFirstTurn = !playerFirstTurn; // If it's the computer's turn to start if (!playerFirstTurn) { setTimeout(computerMove, 500); // Delay computer move to allow UI to update } } } function checkWin(playerClass) { let won = false; winningCombinations.forEach(function(combination) { // Check if the player owns all tiles in a combination const checkTiles = combination.every(function(tileId) { const tile = document.getElementById(tileId); return tile.classList.contains(playerClass); }); if (checkTiles) { won = true; } }); return won; } function findBestMove() { const corners = ['row-1-1', 'row-1-3', 'row-3-1', 'row-3-3']; const center = 'row-2-2'; const sides = ['row-1-2', 'row-3-2', 'row-2-1', 'row-2-3']; const opponent = 'ttt-o'; // Computer is 'O' const computer = 'ttt-x'; // Player is 'X' // Utility functions function isTileFree(id) { const tile = document.getElementById(id); return !tile.classList.contains(opponent) && !tile.classList.contains(computer); } function getBoardState() { let state = {}; for (let i = 1; i <= 3; i++) { for (let j = 1; j <= 3; j++) { const id = `row-${i}-${j}`; const tile = document.getElementById(id); if (tile.classList.contains(opponent)) { state[id] = 'O'; } else if (tile.classList.contains(computer)) { state[id] = 'X'; } else { state[id] = 'free'; } } } return state; } function findWinningMove(playerClass) { for (let combination of winningCombinations) { let freeTile = null; let playerTilesCount = 0; combination.forEach(id => { const tile = document.getElementById(id); if (tile.classList.contains(playerClass)) { playerTilesCount++; } else if (!tile.classList.contains(opponent) && !tile.classList.contains(computer)) { freeTile = id; } }); if (playerTilesCount === 2 && freeTile) return freeTile; // Found a winning/blocking move } return null; } // First, check if the computer can win let move = findWinningMove(computer); if (move) return move; // Then, check if we need to block the opponent's win move = findWinningMove(opponent); if (move) return move; // Check board state let boardState = getBoardState(); // If board is empty, place in a corner if (Object.values(boardState).every(val => val === 'free')) { return corners[0]; // Always top left for simplicity, or randomize } // If opponent is in the center, place in the opposite corner if available if (boardState[center] === 'O') { let chosenCorner = corners.find(corner => isTileFree(corner)); if (chosenCorner) return chosenCorner; } // Center move if available if (isTileFree(center)) { return center; } // Empty corner if available let emptyCorner = corners.find(corner => isTileFree(corner)); if (emptyCorner) return emptyCorner; // Empty side if available let emptySide = sides.find(side => isTileFree(side)); if (emptySide) return emptySide; return null; // In a full game, every possibility should be covered before reaching here } function computerMove() { // Step 1: Make tiles unclickable const tiles = document.querySelectorAll('.ttt-tile'); tiles.forEach(tile => tile.style.pointerEvents = 'none'); // Assuming you have a function to detect if the user is one move away from winning const move = findBestMove(); // Simplified, implement based on your game logic if(move) { document.getElementById(move).classList.add('ttt-o'); document.getElementById(move).classList.remove('ttt-free'); document.getElementById(move).textContent = 'O'; // Adding an O } // Step 2: Check if the computer wins const computerWins = checkWin('ttt-o'); if (computerWins) { // COMPUTER WINS $('#ttlose').show(); } else { // Step 3: Let the player click again tiles.forEach(tile => tile.style.pointerEvents = ''); } checkForTie(); } function playerTurn(tileId) { const tile = document.getElementById(tileId); if (tile.classList.contains('ttt-free')) { tile.textContent = 'X'; // Adding an X tile.classList.add('ttt-x'); tile.classList.remove('ttt-free'); // Check if the user wins if (checkWin('ttt-x')) { // USER WINS $('#ttwin').show(); } else { // If the user hasn't won yet, proceed to computer's turn computerMove(); } } else { // Shake the clicked tile tile.classList.add('tileshake'); setTimeout(() => { tile.classList.remove('tileshake'); // Remove the class after the animation completes }, 1000); // This matches the animation duration } checkForTie(); } // Loop $(document).ready(function() { $('.ttt-tile').on('click', function() { playerTurn($(this).attr('id')); // Adapting to use jQuery for consistency }); }); <</script>> \
<<if $colbytologists >= 100>> \ <<if $awardColbytology100 === undefined>> \ <<set $awardColbytology100 = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <<set $colbytologyLv1 = "true">> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ 100 Colbytologists </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ \ \ <<if $colbytologists >= 10000>> \ <<if $awardColbytology10K === undefined>> \ <<set $awardColbytology10K = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <<set $colbytologyLv2 = "true">> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ 10,000 Colbytologists </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ \ \ <<if $colbytologists >= 1000000>> \ <<if $awardColbytology1M === undefined>> \ <<set $awardColbytology1M = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <<set $colbytologyLv3 = "true">> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ 1 Million Colbytologists </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \ \ \ <<if $deaths >= 100>> \ <<if $awardDeaths === undefined>> \ <<set $awardDeaths = "true">> \ <<set $awards += 1>> \ <div class="notifications pulse"> \ <div class="notif-inner"> \ <div class="notif-l"> \ <div class="notif-icon"> \ <span class="icon-medal"></span> \ </div> \ </div> \ <div class="notif-r"> \ <div class="notif-message"> \ <span>Achievement Unlocked</span><br> \ 100 Deaths (Ain't No Grave) </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ </div> \ <<else>> \ <!-- Do Nothing --> \ <</if>> \ <</if>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <h2>You win!</h2>Professor reveals... <<linkreplace "...">>... nothing. "I have tried to create a special invention but I fear I only succeeded in a different timeline," Professor says. <<linkreplace "...">>Professor eyes you funny-like. "Perhaps I've said too much already. You must die now." <strong>You die as Knows Too Much Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "college" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
You pay your respects to the families of your fallen pigeon lieutenants. Fortunately, your lieutenants had no children, so there are no new orphans. <em>*Phew!*</em> They're expecting presents. [[Vacation.|Vacation Pigeons]] [[Bird seed.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You throw bird seed at them. <<linkreplace "...">>But they wanted FINE STEAK! <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/pidgeonkillscolby.png" class="shake"> <strong>You die as Cheap Presents Baby Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
You agree to book a vacation <<linkreplace "...">>... for yourself. Where will you go? [[Bolivia.]] [[Tonga.]] <</linkreplace>>
<strong>There are <<print setup.formatNumber($colbytologists)>> Colbytologists across the Colbyverse.</strong>
You tell him that $worship is more important than his daughter. <<linkreplace "...">>He is moved and accepts Colbytology. <<set $colbytologists += 1>> \ <<include "colbytologists">> [[Convert extended family.]] [[Convert entire school.]] <</linkreplace>>
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/principal.png"> "Oh, yes. I would love to share Colbytology with others... but my family hates $worship." His family sticks you in the freezer. <strong>You die as Freezer Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/principal.png" class="shake"> "No, COLBYTOLOGY IS JUST FOR ME!" He sticks you in the freezer. <strong>You die as Freezer Kid Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mountdoom.png"> You knock on Sauron's door. "Who is it?" he asks. [[Ring bearer!]] [[Colbytologists!]]
"Thanks," he says. He takes the ring and kills you. <strong>You die as No Precious Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
"I am very interested in this cult," Sauron says. <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">>"I've heard so much buzz about it already."<</if>> You explain to him the incredible power of $worship—how if he embraces the power of $worship, he will be unstoppable. He agrees to convert himself and everyone in Middle Earth if you give him the ring. [[Give ring.]] [[Destroy ring.]]
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "lotr" )<</script>> \ You give him the ring. He gives you 5,000 new Colbytologists. <<set $colbytologists += 5000>> \ <<include "colbytologists">> <<linkreplace "...">>But he takes over the world in the process. <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mountdoom.png" class="shake"> He sees you as a threat and throws you into Mount Doom. <strong>You die as Barbecued Ring Bearer Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").removeClass( "lotr" )<</script>> \ <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>> \
<span class="urgent">YOU DESTROY THE ONE RING!!</span> <img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/mountdoom.png" class="shake"> This destroys him, but you're in the blast zone and the eagles are on sabbatical. <strong>You die as No Eagle Friends Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahsuspicious.png"> "Isn't that just a cult?" [[$worship + " is a lifestyle."|Lifestyle Oprah]] [[$worship + " cured my acne."|Acne Oprah]]
<h2 class="shake">BUT OPRAH IS A LIFESTYLE!</h2><strong>You die as Poor Lifestyle Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]]
<img src="https://youarecolby.com/inc/story/images/oprahshout.png" class="shake"> <div class="shake urgent" style="display:inline-block;">"Sounds legit to me, I'll take it!"</div> Oprah converts to Colbytology. <<if $colbytologyLv1 is "true">> \ <<if $colbytologyLv2 is "true">> \ <<set _growth = random(100000, 300000)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _growth>> \ Very few of her followers are skeptical! <<print setup.formatNumber(_growth)>> choose to give their lives to Colbytology. <<include "colbytologists">> <<else>> \ <<set _growth = random(2000, 3000)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _growth>> \ Some of her followers are still skeptical, but <<print setup.formatNumber(_growth)>> choose to give their lives to Colbytology. <<include "colbytologists">> <</if>> \ <<else>> \ <<if $colbytology is "true">> \ <<set _growth = random(100, 200)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _growth>> \ The majority of her followers are skeptical, but <<print setup.formatNumber(_growth)>> choose to give their lives to Colbytology. <<include "colbytologists">> <</if>> \ <</if>> \ [[Doctor Oz.]] <<if $orphanpidgeon is "true">> \ [[Doctor Phil.]] <</if>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You want to preach Colbytology on Doctor Oz's show next. Doctor Oz gives you his endorsement. <<linkreplace "...">><h2 class="shake">But everyone knows Doctor Oz is full of crap and has no credibility!!</h2>You were really stupid! <<set _growth = random(2000, 3000)>> \ <<if $colbytologists - _growth < 1>> \ <<set _overgrowth = $colbytologists - 1>> \ <<set $colbytologists = 1>> \ <<print setup.formatNumber(_overgrowth)>> people leave the Church of Colbytology. <<else>> \ <<set $colbytologists -= _growth>> \ <<print setup.formatNumber(_growth)>> people leave the Church of Colbytology. <</if>> \ <<include "colbytologists">> <<linkreplace "...">>Your reputation is ruined! <strong>You die as Bad Reputation Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>> \
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ You wish to preach Colbytology on Doctor Phil's show next. <<linkreplace "Welcome to the Doctor Phil show.">><strong>Welcome to the Dr. Phil Show.</strong> "I'm here with Colby, the mind behind the popular blog, $blogname. He is also the leading spokesman for Colbytology. Welcome to the show, Colby." <<linkreplace "Thank you for having me, Doctor Phil.">>"Thank you for having me, Doctor Phil." Doctor Phil twiddles his 'stache. "So you're a smitten kitten for $worship. According to you, embracing $worship kills acne. However, I'm not so sure it makes you a better person." <<linkreplace "Whatever do you mean, Doctor?">>"Whatever do you mean, Doctor?" "Let's roll this video." He points to producer. <h3 class="shake">It's a video of you promising to avenge Orphan Pigeon's father and then skipping town!</h3>"How do you explain this?" he asks. <<linkreplace "Well...">>"<em>Well—</em>" "Everyone put your hands together for Orphan Pigeon! They flew all the way out here to join us!" Orphan Pigeon walks on stage. He throws ticks at you. <<linkreplace "...">>They suck your blood. <<linkreplace "...">>Yes, it tickles but you still die. <strong>You die as Orphan Pigeon Tick Victim Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
<<script>>$("body").removeClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <<set _growth = random(50, 200)>> \ <<set $colbytologists += _growth>> \ As you cuddle, you paint vivid dreams of $worship for pigeons. <<linkreplace "...">><<print setup.formatNumber(_growth)>> pigeons convert to Colbytology! <<include "colbytologists">> <<linkreplace "...">>Then they lay eggs inside you. <strong>You die as Pregnant Pigeon Colby.</strong> [[Play again?]] <<script>>$("body").addClass( "dead" )<</script>> \ <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
[[Debugger]] [[Tagged.|Settings.]] [[Reset Colbytologists.]] [[Opigeon.|Explore.][$orphanpidgeon to "true"]] [[Colbytology.|Explore.][$colbytology to "true"]] [[10.|Explore.][$colbytologists to 10]] [[100.|Explore.][$colbytologists to 101]] [[10K.|Explore.][$colbytologists to 10000]] [[1M.|Explore.][$colbytologists to 1000000]] [[clock3.|Explore.][$colbytologyclock to 3]] [[Llama Cure]] <<return "Exit.">>
Variable <<textbox '$debug1' '' autofocus>> Value <<textbox '$debug2' ''>> Number Value <<textbox '$debug3' ''>> [[Set variable|Debugger 2]] <<return "Exit.">>
<<if $debug3>> <<print '<<set $' + $debug1 + ' to ' + $debug3 + '>>'>> <<else>> <<print '<<set $' + $debug1 + ' to "' + $debug2 + '">>'>> <</if>> <<unset $debug1>> <<unset $debug2>> <<unset $debug3>> [[Explore.]]
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